Autism Awareness Month

Last night I had sex with a stranger, I walked naked in my house while drinking a nice glass of Merlot. It was magical and the first time I had experienced such an amazing fantasy. I listened to john mayer as the handsome man strummed his guitar….

I want to say some things about autism… but first a quick update on P! I have been told that they are “revamping” the program at the house in Grand rapids!!! ūüôā Hopefully P will be able to move into “the H home”!!!! I am really excited because this is the house in GR that I REALLY fell in love with and I think he will love it! He will not have to change schools and that is HUGE for him! YAY. Please pray that my sweet lil man gets what he deserves and has earned… a safe place without so many restrictions and more freedom! I’ll keep you posted! ūüôā ¬†Also sorry about the beginning of the post, I was just trying to get you here with your deviant curiosity ūüėČ It worked… PLEASE STAY AND READ THE REST!!!IMG_2312

Now autism awareness month….. Many of you are aware of my friend Kelli. Once she was incarcerated a mutual friend and I decided to put up a facebook page to support her and others. That page turned into something quite spectacular. It is FULL of families that live with SEVERE autism. The women in this group are nothing short of amazing and deserve to be put on pedestals. They deserve medals. They are soldiers of a war that will never end. I know to some that statement is possibly insulting, I don’t mean for it to be. ¬†I do not know what it is like to actually be in the military and go to war, but I do know that there have been studies that have been written that show that parents of children with severe autism suffer from the same stress and PTSD as those who suffer from war trauma. I sincerely apologize if I cannot find the right words to describe what I am trying to say. ¬†If you are currently serving… thank you… to the veterans… thank you! ūüôā

SQUIRREL…..

Anyways…. so the facebook page has these wonderful women who share their struggles fears and triumphs daily…. unfortunately.. the triumphs are far and few between. When I say severe autism, I don’t just talk of a child who smears their poop, flaps their hands, and doesn’t talk. (although this is not excluded from the wonderful components of a developmentally delayed person). What I’m about to speak of doesn’t necessarily mean EVERY person/child with autism goes through this. They have all or some of the traits I am going to talk about. HOWEVER, I am speaking about the “exclusive group” that was formed. The club that none of us signed up for. In this exclusive club our children do the following:

They eat non food items like drywall, glass, dirt, furniture, candles, etc. This is called PICA… google it, it exists… we aren’t bad parents.

They  have aggressive behaviors.. they hit. they punch us. they pull our hair, they throw things. they bite. Some have torn off refrigerator doors, picked up couches, tables, beds, chairs, lamps, dishes, etc and literally tossed them as if they were a ball of thread.

They have this whole superpower thing going on. They can go for days with MINIMAL hours of sleep. Seriously… DAYS, MONTHS…. Imagine, oh… lets say, three days and during those three days you only slept for 9 hours combined of broken up “naps”. yes it happens. ALL THE TIME!

Many of our kids are emotionally conflicted. Yes they have cognitive deficits. However, they are also very smart. They struggle with their emotions because they feel trapped by the autism. If they can communicate, sometimes they will say things like

“nobody cares about me” ¬†“I want to die” ¬†“I hate my life” ¬†“Do you love me” ¬†“I don’t have any friends” ¬†” why am I different”

Can you imagine as a parent the heart break? UGH…

I could go on and on. I won’t. What I would like for you to do to help is to just ask someone you know that is the caretaker of someone with autism what you can do to help. Sometimes 15 minutes can do someone a world of good. It may give them a much need rest, a shower, the chance to use the bathroom, maybe eat something, hydrate, etc. Sometimes as an “outsider” you don’t know what to do. Believe me, we will tell you. LOL Sometimes just being WITH us is helpful, we know you don’t understand autism and our kids. We also know that many times that we cannot leave you with our children because of your safety. We would never let you get hurt. We are used to the abuse. We will continue to be the punching bag, but if you could just maybe carry in groceries, or offer to make dinner, ANYTHING! The worst thing you can do, is not ask.

We are ashamed. So we may turn you down. But don’t let us. INSIST on helping. DO NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! We don’t want you to see our house. We are ashamed because it smells like poop and pee. Our walls have holes in them. We don’t live like you do. We want to, but we can’t. So if we say no….. it’s not that we don’t want the help. It’s that we are ashamed and trying to hide the fact that we belong to this exclusive club. So insist on helping. ūüôā The person you help me be one inch away from jumping off of that cliff. You may be saving a life, or worse… lives.

So these wonderful people that belong to this exclusive club have a video to show you our little brave warriors. We love our kids so much that we have given them our lives and our souls. The biggest thing you can do to help is to not judge us, try and be understanding, acceptance, and educating yourself. If you do not want to do any of that… but you want to help.. you can always throw some cash out there. ;-P

Yes really you can. 

MAKE

IT

RAIN

Money

One of our slick moms dug into her own pockets and paid for a website and business. She did it because although the “little things” our kiddos need seem petty, they add up. There was a time I struggled to keep up with P’s dinty moore phase. He was eating about 8 of them a day….as a snack. He went through pull ups like an elephant eats peanuts, I went through sheets like a hospital, our water bill was around $400 a month. Seriously the shit adds up to major bucks. You get the point…so the website unlike other organizations that are non profit and takes your graciously donated money which goes into a big pot and we aren’t exactly sure where all of the funds go; is different. ALL MONEY donated will go to specific needs like clay, sheets, beds, etc.It wont solve our problems, but it will help alleviate a tad bit of stress for both the autistic person and their parent(s)/caregiver(s).

I also have a family member who is donating 20% of sales from a “posh party”

*please see link…

So I am done with this long post. It’s late. I bet most of the people who actually read this tonight are friends of the exclusive club they don’t want to belong to. If you read this, I love you. Keep on keeping on…..everything is temporary and remember … more than anything… you aren’t alone. There is no cure for autism. It’s never going away. But you’re thought of by many and we love you.

For those who don’t belong to the club… open your hearts… if you can’t do that.. then open your wallets… ūüėČ Thanks… Godspeed.

http://autismhopes.com/

 

https://www.facebook.com/events/714050858700441/

https://www.perfectlyposh.com/poshcity/events/776340

http://autismhopes.com/

 

Lastly, a huge thanks to you Kelli, through your family’s pain, trauma, heartache, struggles, stress, and tragedy; you helped us find each other. We are EXTREMEly grateful for having one another to vent, to share, to love, and have our moments in our exclusive club together. Thank you to all of those who I have met through KS. My son and I are survivors. We couldn’t have done it without you. ūüôā I love you. Funny thing about tragedy, it makes you victorious and valiant.

positive

 

Living in prison

A pretty important meeting is happening tomorrow. Mr. “X” is meeting with the “top peeps” at GHS, they are going to battle it out over medicaid codes and whether or not they are covered services. Please pray for us. In many ways I’m sure the GHS “peeps” will continue to say it is not a covered service but its a little bit of hope and its all I have left in me. Literally, I’m fading, I’m withering, my health is suffering, my mind is going numb into that whole post traumatic stress disorder “place”, and I am dying a slow death. I am no longer myself. I have moments that I do my best to pretend I am me, but I’m not. Inside I want to scream, cry, lash out on everyone. I’m not the Lisa i used to know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her again. My life is a daily battle of survival. Right now i’m sick. I have a bad allergy sinus thing going on.. or I keep telling myself that. I hope its not bronchitis or something serious. I went back to sleep today when P went to school and had a terrible reoccurring nightmare about my late husband. The dream changes here and there but mostly its the same, he fakes his death because he doesn’t want to deal with Preston or he cant deal with him. He has the perfect family as I struggle to deal with our son and the¬†nastiness¬†of autism. I despise the dream, almost as much as I despise autism. I wake up feeling alone, angry, hurt, and sad that I feel betrayed by my dead husband, even worse I feel like I’m truly insane.
I struggled on Sunday the inevitable Mothers day. No good morning hug from my blue eyed baby. No card, no breakfast in bed, no flowers, ….Just another day as the world celebrates moms…I say a prayer and I thank God for mine. But this year I couldn’t even verbally thank my mom. I didn’t have it in me to even get her a card. I promised her a day¬†together¬†in August IF Preston gets approved for a camp that he hates. I promised a day trip (in 3 months) to the casino where we could enjoy a dinner and a car ride and a hotel room that was peaceful. It’s a day that we both deserve and i’m not even sure i can make it happen. I’m a tad bit resentful and angry these days. I’m trying not to be, I really am. I’m asking God for my strength and to not lose hope. But its hard to see the light when you’re in prison. That’s what our life has become, I’m a prisoner in my own home. So is Preston. It sucks. What sucks even more is that this summer I have 4 events I’m hoping to do IF P gets to go to the camp he hates,
2- a John Mayer concert with no date.. but hey 3rd wheel is better than a night in prison right? ūüėȬ†
3- a night with my mom to the casino
4-Jimmy Buffet I have a date from Scotland ūüėȬ†
After typing this I slightly feel better and blessed, I mean some people probably don’t get to do that…so I should quit being all woe is me.¬†
Back to my original point, please excuse the sidetracked thoughts and pity party. lol My point is PLEASE pray, please pray that we get the answers we need tomorrow. Not just for me but for other families in this county. Preston and i are not the only prisoners. 
Here is the “recap letter i sent to Mr. “X” for the meeting of the minds tomorrow:
 
 
Hi Mr. “X”,
 On Friday may 10th Preston was supposed to go to the Fowler center for weekend respite camp. My mom & brother took him because there were problems with me taking him last time, we thought this would resolve the issues. Upon arrival he screamed, cried, & refused to get out of the car. He did not want to go so my mom brought him back home. 
   On Saturday afternoon my mom who is also my respite/cls worker took him for the night. He did okay. Not without aggitation, aggression, & destructive behaviors. however my mom knew i desperately needed the break to sleep.  I picked him up Sunday morning & when we got home he broke the mouse to the pc. We left to get another one at radio shack. He wanted to go to Salvation Army but it was closed, It is in the same plaza as radio shack. I told him it was closed but he did not get that concept. Knowing it was closed I let him walk down there himself to see the doors were locked. As he was pounding on the windows I watched from a distance as a car pulled up to drop off donations to an after hours box. I turned around and started walking towards radio shack thinking he would follow me. When I turned back around he was gone. It really made me nervous because I knew the store was closed. I thought he was taken by the car I noticed. I immediately ran down to the store when I noticed lights were on and the doors were open. As it turned out workers are there but the store is closed to the public. They thought he was in danger & opened the doors for him & called the police. When I got inside I explained he was non verbal & has autism. I asked them to tell police to still come knowing this could get ugly. I was able to coax Preston out of the store with three video tapes. He had taken his coat and shoes off and was close to stripping naked. When the police officer arrived he knew who we were. He asked me again if I managed his care alone, I explained I did through tears. He made sure Preston got buckled safely and into the car then we went home. I was afraid of the car ride home. I managed to only get a bloody lip from him. I sedated him as soon as we got home because he was being unruly. 
Today is Monday as i picked him up from school for his¬†doctors appointment i could hear him screaming. He was on the floor crying & had three staff around him trying to control him. (Last thursday the cpi team was called in his classroom due¬†to his outburst, it took an hour and 4 staff members to control him)¬†At the¬†doctors appointment, in my eyes he was “good”, the doctor asked me if I had considered putting him into a home. I just cried and didn’t have much to say to him. Preston was all over the room jumping, hitting the bed, the counter, splashing in water, not being still for one second.¬†
When we got home he broke our recliner, stripped several times while standing at the front door, and had aggressive behaviors towards me on and off. 
It is now 5:30 and I am waiting to give him his night meds so I can get him to sleep, praying he sleeps all night. We are sitting in a parking lot so I can type this to you. (He enjoys car rides). This is a typical few days. 
What a great Mothers Day as usual. Preston needs intensive treatment that the center can provide! It’s not permanent residency, but it’s a permanent solution! His condition is something that professionals without experience in autism cannot handle, the center can help change his behaviors and teach me and staff how to keep him under control! Thanks, Lisa S.¬†
 
So there it is.. a typical recap of a few days for us. Please pray. My son needs intensive therapy. I’m not sure how much longer we have….We are slowly dying. Thank you.. ūüôā¬†
Peace, love, health, wealth, and happiness to you all….Share my blog, share the fundraiser, … share because you care…Eventually something has to give if I keep screaming.. right?¬†
 
 
 

SSS —> aka sadness sedation & sorrow

I’m going to try to make this quick.
Preston is fighting to use my bathroom so he can trash it. I’m trying to be strong and not allow it. He has his own bathroom. When he wants to go in there I try to redirect him to something else, tonight it was a bike ride in this cold weather… But hey whatever works.
We finish the ride he then wants to go get French fries. I order a salad, we get home and he wants my salad. I say no it’s mine and all hell broke loose. He punched me hard in my chest. It literally took my breath away. He then starts in his rage throwing things and try’s to attack me. Okay he does attack me. He pulled my hair, head bunted me, punches, slaps, pinches, and threw a glass at me. It breaks on the floor and he comes after me and steps in it. He’s really angry now & in pain. I try to remove the two big pieces in his foot as he’s bleeding all over but he’s still aggressive & raging.
By this time my chest hurts and is getting really tight from the stress. My heart is racing & I’m shaking. My emotions are all mixed and they rapidly fluctuate from anger to sadness to being afraid to trying to keep it together. I’m crying now. I “hide around the corner”, & try to regroup by taking in three deep breaths. I decide to make him take 6 mg of melatonin. It is a sleep aid and it works quickly. It works.. He is calming down enough for me to pull the glass out of his foot. He lays on the bed and I discreetly try to pull it out when, BAM.. He kicks my shoulder. Once again so hard that it takes all I have to refrain from my gut reaction of wanting to beat him. Deep breath Lisa deep breath. I decide to give him his nightly medication. 1 ml of Haldol. It’s a drop of liquid and very strong. Within 6 minutes he’s asleep. I get the glass out & I lay on the couch because my chest is tight and it hurts. I need to breathe and get my blood pressure down.

Sedating my child so that I don’t beat him and so that he’ll quit attacking me. How in the hell are parents supposed to live like this? I’m so deeply and utterly sad. No matter how much I blog… Nobody will ever feel my pain.. Physical or emotional. I can only pray that somehow I manage to get out of this inSain Asylum, help my child & myself and then help other families.
If things don’t happen soon… Who knows what will happen behind these walls… I’m sorry if this post is troublesome … But it’s a reality.
Sedating my 12 year old is the only option these days… Can you even fathom that? Me either.

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Warning A.D.D. post

My mind is all over the place…I need to write in a “systematic type” fashion because in all honesty my head is jumbled.Image

How do I verbalize what is going through my head? I suppose for starters Ill brifely taslk about the “big Meeting”. It went okay. I’m not sure what is going to happen but when “it” happens, I’ll let everyone know. In all honesty, it’s so extremely stressful that I think until things are more final and not so “wait and see what happens”, I’ll keep it to myself. What I can say is that I will NOT GIVE UP, Preston needs help and I swear…I will literally kill myself trying to get what he needs. I will bleed..I will lose sleep, I will devote whatever last breath and being of my life to help him. It’s the only choice I have right now.

On another note, I attended a conference this morning that was about behviors and keeping kids in school and how to help students receive the best education possible. ¬†( just what i want to do while I get respite..on a Saturday afternoon***SIGH**) It was a great conference… for someone else. I don’t mean to sound like a “smarty pants”, but boy oh boy.. I know my stuff. I didn’t learn much and kept to myself and just listened to parents, educators, therapists, etc talk about all kinds of issues and situations. I am so past all of that. I KNOW what is best for my son. There was a well known speaker at the conference and I asked her if she was aware of the Autism center in Portage, she did. I asked if she had visited and she said no but she needs to. She started asking me questions about it and ¬†I told her what i knew; cost, funding, the strategies used. She was intrugued and aske dme to email her this week. ūüôā Yay yet another resource. However, I had a “naysayer” listening and she overheard the conversation and inquired about my question earlier in the conference that I asked out loud. The question was in regards to the free and approriate education.. blah blah blah, anyways she was “on to me”…she said, “EXACTLY what are you trying to do with your son”? I told her in a nutshell anyways. She laughed. She laughed.. WHat She literally laughed and with a smirk and no eye contact she snidely remarked, “good luck with that”. I walked to wear she was seated and I, infuriated and redfaced, asked for her name and e-mail. She obliged and wrote it down. She said, “May I ask why you want it”? I bent to her eye level ( which wasn’t much.. Im 5’2″ in the physical sense, but of course in my head..I’m about 6’4″) I politely said, “so when I succeed, you’ll know how to get a hold of me to congratulate me and¬†apologize¬†for doubting my capabilities”. All in all the conference went ok. lol

OKAY NEXT:

Strangers and the impact that they have on me. Throughout Preston’s life I have met some really great people. Teachers, therapists, doctors, mutual “autism friends” etc that have been a really positive¬†experience. However, that isn’t always the circumstance. There are some people, friends and family included, in our lives who have really belittled me and think I “cater” to Preston’s autism. There have been moments that i have actually doubted myself and believed them.

For example: “giving in to P” in order to prevent a meltdown. Something simple.. hmm like allowing him to visit a mall to walk before therapy versus going to therapy ¬†and him melting down because he couldn’t go to the mall to walk first.

If I have done something for Preston in the past a certain way he remembers and he usually is very regimented (as autistics are) and wants to do it that way forever. I cannot take that away from him, it’s part of his disability. Why wouldn’t I do these simple things? Even if it means “interfering” with my life to some extent. If your child was a diabetic and needed insulin before the therapy would you say umm no first therapy then insulin. No, you would give them the insulin shot. It’s the same thing. My son has a disability. He doesn’t not mean to be selfish ¬†but its part of the disorder. He does not understand emotion or needs of others. Only himself. So think of it how you want, maybe I “cater” in someone’s eyes but I know in my heart I only do what is best for him. ALWAYS. Sure i screw up now and then, don’t we all? In every relationship we have? Don’t think my son is a brat. Don’t throw your¬†judgments¬†at me with parenting. I’m the one who has educated myself, not you.

Now lets talk about the positive people in our life. You, you that are reading this, yes YOU! Thank you. Thank you for your support. To a total stranger that read my blog and decided to raise funds for us. Thank you. To those that are contributing to the fundraiser, thank you.

I met with a couple of ¬†girlfriends Friday night for a few drinks. We briefly talked about the fundraising efforts of the “stranger” ( and the people/local salon involved), I say that loosely because we have already met and I already consider her a friend and hero. I cried. i didn’t just tear up.. I’m talking full blown cry.. tears streaming nonstop down my face, snot coming out of my nose cry. The waitress brought beer napkins and tear napkins.. 3 times. lol I cried because I feel so grateful. I feel like our time is here. It’s time to have a life again. Its time to get the help for my son. I realize that I need the help of others in order for my son to thrive. Its hard to accept it, but I’m going to. I just purged my emotions to my friends. My fears, my¬†overwhelming¬†feelings of gratitude, my feelings of empowerment, my hopes, my¬†fantasies. I cried more. Then I receive a pink shot from the¬†bartender¬† She says you need this love you Lisa, she happens to be my cousins gf. how embarrassing but you know what? I DON’T CARE!!! I’m over¬†embarrassment! My son needs insulin damn it!

Thank you for helping me inject my son with what he needs. Thank you Spa Rodzina and the gracious employees. Thank you to “Michigan Happenings” for yet another future fundraiser. Thank you to those who support us. I an only promise you one thing. I promise that I am going to do my best to help my son live a life that is filled with safety, love, caring, and provide a nurturing environment for him. I promise that once we have stability that i am going to “pay it forward” and help other families, its my life goal and passion. I can only do it if I get our lives stabilized and we receive the “insulin”. Things are falling into place and i cant wait for the sweet taste of victory and ill look forward tot he email from the “naysayer” at the conference today.

Until then, I’m going to finish my homework and get an outfit ready for St. Patty’s Day. Ill paint my nails green…..with envy.

Peace, love, health, wealth and happiness ūüôā God bless you all.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Wow.. been a while since¬†I’ve¬†blogged. From October until this month things were EXTREMELY rough. However, life has calmed down, thank God. Now I’m playing catch up on my studies and trying to catch up on bills etc. (who isnt right?). I am so extremely grateful that Preston’s medications are working right now. RIGHT NOW being the key words. You see he isn’t on anything too new. A brief recap on Preston’s medications. Risperdal.. our best friend and worst enemy. The drug works great for Preston but makes him eat compulsively and obsessively, its non stop. As soon as he gets home he rushes for food.. he will compulsively and¬†erratically¬†grab: popcorn, dinty moore, ranch & lettuce, chips & salsa, ice cream, juice, pudding, yogurt, etc. I have to hurry and have something ready¬†before¬†he walks in the door and sometimes that helps sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not exaggerating when I say he eats non stop. About $200 a week in food. So with that being said science and nature take its course and my child gains weight..which means the risperdal isn’t as effective, so the psychiatrist ups the dosage. Then he eats more.. up dosage, more weight gain, more eating… you see the pattern right? So then it gets to a point that he can no longer take it because he becomes borderline diabetic. Uh oh…This is where the “fun” starts. Aggressive abusive behaviors. Destructive behaviors..DESTRUCTIVE. He breaks glass, throws food and drinks, flips over the tables and furniture, he broke a stainless steel chandelier last week. He literally pulled it out of the ceiling and it almost fell on him. A few days ago he came to me with a bloody hand, I have no idea how or where he cut himself.¬†ImageImageImage

 

Sometimes he eats the drywall during rage and meltdowns:ImageImage

He floods the bathroom nonstop, by flooding I mean he splashes and ALWAYS finds a way to flood the bathrooms. I can sit on the toilet while he showers (which is about every 30 minutes right now; which is better than every 15 minutes) and he will start splashing and I make him get out then he has rage, he meltsdown, he gets aggressive, he becomes destructive and violent. My floor is caving in for the 2nd time. I remodeled the bathroom last year trying to make it waterproof, that cost $10,000. Fail. Image

However I am not alone. I know that I am a good parent. it is HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE to do this alone. One person CANNOT control these behaviors by themselves or with a spouse other siblings etc. Which is the reason for me seeking help and to place Preston into a home with 24 hour staffing. I’m working on it and just waiting for our fist big meeting. So right now its the calm before the storm. I know that in the future I am going to have to¬†fund-raise¬†to come up with the money to make Preston’s plan work. I know this because my friend that i have never met in person but on facebook is going through very similiar circumstances with her autistic daughter Issy. Her name is Issy Stapleton and she is at a facility that helps children with autism and behavioral issues. The center as mentioned in previous posts is $800 per DAY. I am a widowed mom struggling to pay for dinty moore. I don’t know how I am going to do this, but I will the same as the Stapleton’s.¬†

¬†It’s my birthday. I am going to relish in the joys I have had latley like sleep, and hugs from my son and smiles on his face. It’s still a battle, he’s still aggressive and destructive, but right now, today, this week, our life is “stable”. Now you could look at those pictures and think..”that’s stable”? Yep, that’s stable and a great life for us. Not. BUT it’s not as bad as it was. “that bad” meaning…Im not sleeping with one eye open wondering if my son is going to whack me over the head with a chair or bowl, or a knife or something. Thank God.. but it’s temporary. It’s my birthday and I¬†have¬†such a great group of friends who have sent cards, hand delivered beer and put it in my car for me, a good friend¬†insisted¬†I celebrate my birthday. My mom is taking Preston for two WHOLE NIGHTS! I am going to a casino and going to do my¬†damnedest¬†to forget about my house and my woes. I am going to celebrate my life. My “calm” life and try not to think about the storm ahead.¬†

It’s my birthday, MANY people say what can I do.. there isn’t a ton but you listening and reading is good. For right now we are okay. BUT it is my birthday and I am asking a favor. I need to pay it forward. I am asking that if you can spare a dollar (or more if you can/will) to my friend Kelli Stapleton. The money will go towards keeping Issy where she needs to be for a little bit longer to receive the help she needs. Every penny counts and every day at treatment helps this family. There will come a day when I will be in the same boat, but today, this week, right now… we’re okay. My friend is not. Please help of you can. That’s what I want for my birthday. Here is the link:

http://elberta-alert.org/2013/02/05/issy-stapleton-fundraiser/

Thank you for reading, thank you for caring, thank you for loving us. Most of all thank you for the support, the comments, the positive vibes, and mostly the prayers. I couldn’t do this without you… yes YOU! YOU are all I have. I read your comments with tears streaming from my face and it puts a fire under my ass. It makes me “keep on keeping on”. Everyday. Today. God Bless you all. Have a great weekend…Im off to the casino. ūüôā¬†

 

Relief with grief

First and foremost I want to thank you all for reading and supporting. I need to clarify something though.. Nobody has ever judged me by saying I will eventually or possibly sooner versus later put Preston in a residential facility. What I have been judged on and criticized for, is my parenting… Or lack thereof. It makes me doubt myself. However I’m trying to resolve this situation and I’m trying to believe my supporters versus the non supporters. It’s hard sometimes. That’s enough about that.
So today I had a 4 hour appointment at CMH… Holy schmoly… Much was accomplished and some VERY exciting news. My son got new medication. It’s 8:03 and he’s asleep!!! Better yet he was much less aggressive today when he got home from school. We aren’t completely out of the woods and this is temporary. One of the meds prescribed is a medication he was just taken off of. He eats non stop compulsively when he takes it. It’s called Risperdal. He can only be on it for so long before he becomes borderline diabetic, it is no longer effective, and they will take him off of it again. So the “success” is bittersweet. But ill take the break. I can’t wait for him to smile again, to hug me, to kiss me. It’s all I have from him. To not get that and have him hitting & abusing me is a horrible feeling that cannot be described in any blog.
I also have doubted my blog, it feels narcissistic in a way. I hope my reasons for doing it show through and I hope that most people understand. I know not everyone will & I’m completely okay with that. I know it’s hard to read or view. It’s like those damn commercials about abused animals with Sarah McLaughlin singing that God awful song in the background guilting us and bringing instant tears! It’s like you don’t want to see that crap! It’s sad! It hurts! It’s easier to turn the channel, but we know the awful truth; the abuse exists….. And people I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but so does autism. One day your child will work next to a person with autism, your grand kids will care for a whole generation of kids diagnosed in the 90’s with autism. One day a person with autism is going to change the world… Oh wait, thanks Einstein.. Mozart, Picasso, newton, Darall Hannah, robin Williams, Dan Akroyd,etc.
So please don’t turn your head, don’t sweep us under the rug, don’t turn your nose, and don’t blame the parents! We couldn’t prevent this! We didn’t cause this! Just accept us, accept them! “They” are humans, with feelings.
On a final note tonight, I would like to express two things: 1- to my friends and family worried about us/ me. I’m okay, this didn’t happen overnight. Preston has ALWAYS been this challenging but I’m really good at disguising it. I’m really good at managing him…… Most of the time. The difference between now and then is that he’s bigger. His punches cause massive bruises. His pinches bring tears to my eyes, his kicks take my breath away. The objects he chooses to throw are no longer sippy cups and Legos but chairs and tables.
Scary? My gosh yes! Emotionally damaging? Ummm yeah I cry A LOT! Physically a threat? Yep. But I’m working on it and I’m no sissy. I’m Preston’s mom and I’m a warrior. We’re going to get through this come hell or high water. I have God on my side.
The 2nd thing I need to mention is my friends, family and all supports. I cannot thank you enough. I have had friends, acquaintances, & strangers offering words of support and most importantly asking what they can do for help. When you offer support it heals a part of me. It gives me strength. In all honesty there is not a whole heck of a lot you can do for us. Please understand that as much as I appreciate the offers of help whether it’s cleaning, watching p, or getting me drunk (jk), there just isn’t a ton one can do but I deeply appreciate it. I love you all and know that just the supportive words help.
Share my blog. It may help someone you know or don’t know. Tonight I read a blog that was shared by a friend on Facebook. As sad I was to read it, I was elated. Her post talked about the money time and emotion she put into treatments therapies Etc. for her daughter. I have done everything she has & we are in the same position. To know this today gave me a super boost a recharge, a jump start! It’s like I had several orgasms with Johnny depp (don’t ask how I know what that’s like)! It elated me… Just to know that I’m not alone. I’m not a bad mom. So share… Read… You never know how or when it could help someone.
Love, hugs, peace, health, wealth, & happiness.
Tonight ill sleep a little better than I have in a long time. Thanks friends!
Sincerely,
Preston’s mom, a boy with severe autism who is trying his best to be happy and well behaved

For your viewing pleasure I am posting a video of a tantrum in the car…remember Sarah McLaughlin!!! ūüėČ oops guess I’m not! It’s $60 for a year to be able to post ..hold that thought maybe next month lol
However here are a few pics taken over the last week…. We’ll call them ” a glimpse inside the inSain asylum ūüėČ enjoy…

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busy little bug

Bug……..

…….funny, Its a childhood nickname that has stuck all these years. I feel like a bee, buzzing about trying my best to prepare, restore, protect, and enhance my child’s future. (mine too) Its exhausting. I had an appt with CMH ( Community Mental Health) it was at 8:00. I was late for the appointment only to find out it was a home visit. Grrr carry on. The appointment lasted until almost 11:30. It was extremely productive and consisted of signing many privacy releases. I have two of the most amazing workers thank God for that. I cried. I cried a lot. My blood pressure teetered on the brink of no pulse to feeling extremely panicked at times. Its scary, talking about placing my son in a facility and trying to come up with a plan that isn’t completely fool proof. The scariest thing is if my plan doesn’t happen. I have to remember that if it doesn’t I did my best. However, I think to myself that accepting no isn’t an option and it WILL work. So I’m hoping that I’m right. If I say it enough maybe Ill believe it and if I believe, maybe¬†it will actually happen. I left the appointment feeling accomplished and satisfied. I have a meeting next week that is pretty serious in regards to Preston. However I’m unable to discuss and yet I really want to. Its a terrible conflicting situation. As much as I want to share I just cannot ūüė¶

I left the appointment and was starving I didn’t have time for breakfast and I haven’t even had a drink of water or gone to the bathroom. I never did clean all of the goo from last night but decided to go to lunch with a friend instead. The goo will wait for me. Go eat, hydrate, breathe, it was a long appointment, I deserve lunch; besides I have a ¬†seize the deal burning a hole in my purse ūüôā I sit down waiting for my friend and order a water with lemon… If ¬†i’m getting water, I’m about to die of thirst because I hate it! I decide to finally use the bathroom I drank a HUGE coffee and feel the pressure on my bladder. I walk in and my phone rings.

Its the school social worker. I need to get P, he has had a horrific meltdown and its been an hour and a half. I panic. I always knew one day I would get THAT call, I wasn’t ready today. I need to get my baby. What happened is he okay? Are others okay? Did he hurt anyone? Is he hurt?¬†All¬†I know for sure is I need to go get him and fast! I buzz out of the¬†restaurant¬†cancel on my understanding friend who noticed me pulling out.¬†I’m¬†about halfway there and smoke a cigarette and when it sticks to my lip and I almost burn¬†myself¬†I¬†realize¬†I never drank my water, im dehydrated.. when WAS my last drink besides coffee? Crap.. literally.. i’m nervous and now I have to use the bathroom…I forgot I ran out of the restroom without¬†using it!!!! Now its worse I need to go number 1 and number 2.. lol (how old am I??.. seriously I’m a wreck and I think i’m going to shit my pants)!!!

I’m at the school. He is okay, hes calm now. I wait to talk to the psychologist. I explain our “situation”, in my eyes: giving them the courtesy of explaining the situation. In her eyes,”I need to do this, I need to do that. Maybe we can try this and that”. NO. Its too late and we need to do what I know needs to be done. “But”, she says, “No”, I say. This is whats best. She asks if I’ll sign a waiver so she can discuss this with CMH too, yes of course. Then I need to fill out a new med form so he can have benadryl at school to keep him stabilized until his Psychiatrist prescribes another medication. It needs to be faxed. I need to sign another waiver. Yes of course. I need to call CMH to let them know I talked to the school and explain the benadryl/ med form.

I text my mom. Can ¬†we come over Ill explain later. But I need to breathe. My head is pounding. I’m thirsty and I have to … you know..

Its well after 1:00. I take a while before I have the energy to tell my mom the day I had. I get something to drink and FINALLY get to use the bathroom. She lets me nap for a bit. I’m a happy bee…Until we get home, but that’s another blog and the goo will wait, this bug is tired. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ūüėČ