Are you there God? It’s me, Lisa

So the day was pretty shitty, not gonna lie. I got a two & 1/2 hour break & left the hospital & I was grateful to go do a little thrift shopping. Came back to craziness. It’s pretty much been a 4 hour meltdown. I’m tired but not as bad as the first couple of nights. My faith only gets stronger, even though I get upset. I’m not sure why, and I’ll forever be guilt ridden….. I believe in God & his work. The first night here and then tonight, I prayed for something unimaginable. Please don’t judge me, or go ahead……at this point I’m not sure that I care.

As my son was thrashing about and crying, doing his very best to talk and plead by saying please, no, and trying to express his frustration as he was being handcuffed, sedated, poked with a needle, and restrained…. I asked God to just take him. Yep. I did. It was so torturous for him, I asked God to just end it… for him… for me….there are no answers, no magic pills. I wish I wasn’t admitting this, but it is the honest to goodness truth. To see your child suffer SO DAMN MUCH, DAILY… hourly… yearly… and to keep “putting the fires out”, is exhausting. It takes it’s toll.

I have been through every therapy with consistency. I have listened to therapists, doctors, teachers… I’m sick of it. I want to throw in the towel. But I won’t.

I went to college to get my special education degree so that I could earn a living. It was the only job I could think of that I would be able to manage Preston. I could take him to work with me and bring him home afterwards (on most days). I was almost finished with my degree when he was placed at Great Lakes Center for Autism. Then two other facilities after that. This is when I realised that teaching wasn’t going to be an option. Placing P into a facility has been a huge eye opener to what I already knew but “didn’t know”. The care was going to be so much more than what I thought it would be. Especially being so far from home. I’m involved in his well being almost more now than ever before. I have to help with his plans of service in many capacities… academically, in his group home, and in regards to his health care, and therapies. It’s been a full time job. I knew it would be, kind of like you know childbirth is going to be hard… but until you do it… you dont know…. or raising a pubescent teenager, going through a divorce, being widowed, losing a job, etc etc…. It’s also harder because I have to make my decisions and judgement calls based upon the staff at his school and facility, versus my own knowledge from handling him firsthand.

So here I am at the hospital in crisis mode… im asking God to end our lives….and yet…. I still want to open a group home for the developmenatlly disabled. My parents must have dropped me on my noggin one too many times. .. seriously!!! But the truth is, if I’m going to continue to give advice, hold other families hands through crisis, volunteer for services for the special needs population, continue as long as God allows me to in the care, happiness, and safety of my son..why not get paid for it? I have a gift; and it is more than being able to make people cry ;-P

I have heard it from othr parents, doctors, therapists, social workers, friends, family, police officers, strangers, and teachers. I truly believe this. I also believe I am here for this specific reason.

It doesn’t mean I understand it. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry at God at times for such pain and suffering. I would imagine it’s the same feeling every other human has felt dealing with……possibly a terminal illness. You either come out on top a survivor, or you learn to find positivity from such tragedy and loss. It’s a choice in my opinion. I choose to fight. I will not go down without a fucking fight. I may want to die and take my son with me, but I won’t. I may be angry at God but it won’t be forever. I will never lose my faith…. NEVER.

It is autism awareness month, I am not alone in this battle. My heart breaks and a little bit of my soul is gone daily because of the hurt I see from so many friends that I have gained through autism. I will do another blog that shows a tiny sliver of circumstances. I hope you don’t turn your head. I hope you ask someone you know what you can do to help. I went MANY years with VERY minimal support and had to develop thick skin because of the judgement on my parenting and housekeeping skills & lifestyle.

I am here to tell you that at times there have been 13 people in Preston’s room here at the hospital trying to control the situation. We are the only room that HAS TO HAVE a MINIMUM of two TRAINED behavioral technicians in the room with us at all times. The second you clean up a mess another is made, then he has a meltdown, then you need food, then he needs meds, then you need to make sure his tablet is charged, then he wants a drink, then he has to go to the bathroom, then he pisses on the floor, or poops all over, then you need more clean clothes, then he gets violent because his snack wasn’t there on time, then you slip on his magazines and he’s angry because you forgot to shut the bathroom door, now he wants outside, then he wants popcorn, then he wants you to whisper and he hates the man wearing glasses, then he wants the girl who was there an hour ago but her shift ended, then the psychiatrist needs you and while trying to tak to her he pulls my hair, they call in more security and then I hear the social worker needs to talk to me. Then I feel dizzy and light headed because I haven’t had anything to eat or drink and it’s 3:00 p.m. I’ve sent my Aunt around town for countless items…. a therapy ball with pump, chips and salsa, pads, carmex because my lips are so chapped they hurt, jergens because it’s the only lotion P can tolerate and he is “rashy” from laying in his own urine from both the group home and hospital. Multiple food runs, underwear for Preston because he keeps ripping his up and he is only alloowed hospital gowns or underwear. I don’t know….what else but literally she has spent the day running errands for us.. (THANKS AUNT MRS> PINK…)

 

This is all within 30 minutes and the day continues like this. So yes, my house was a pig sty…. but did you ask if you could help clean? Did you offer to do a load of laundry for me? Did you ask if I needed my lawn mowed? Did you ask if I needed groceries? Did you? The majority of the people in my life didn’t. Yeah, Im pissed tonight about it. I’m sure it’s just my lack of sleep and my highly strung out emotions…but there are SO MANY FAMILIES that need help. Our mental health care sucks in this country. Not as much as in 3rd world countires…. but my goodness. Im a bit angry. I’m bitter. I’m pretty damn sure if every person gave up a Starbucks or their Coach bag, or giving their kids the newest latest and greatest xbox or playstations for ONE DAY…. we could help so many people. Im going off on a tangent now, but seriously.

Anyways if you judge me, have judged me, or any of my friends in the past….. Maybe you should say sorry.

You just can’t understand. We don’t expect you to. We just don’t want or need the negative judgement… we do that to ourselves enough and tenfold. Even other autism parents judge one another… STOP the madness… just like fingerprints… no two people with autism are alike. Nor are the components of our lives that add to our individual conditions/situations! SO STOP JUDGING…

For those who have supported us in ways that they could… GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!! Seriously, you helped save our lives. I don’t even know the point of this blog tonight.

I meant for it to be a huge thank you for support and instead I got angry and psycho….. shit happens. lol Love you all… I’ve got to go, P is about to get his 12:00 new medications.

Stay tuned for autism awarenes posts from my friends and you will see that our circumstance is not uncommon, unfortunately.

Signing off…. and leaving the floor where P is….. I need a cigarette and a coke then some rest and hopefully a shower in the morning. Although my Aunt insists she has some lady powder “for that”…. wtf does that even mean? OMG she is going to kill me, maybe she wont read this…lol It’s almost 1:00 now and I need to walk 2 football fields and around the hospital to smoke… good time to quit… NOT! lol love most of you…. goodnight.. Thank you for the prayers and please keep them coming!

xoxo Lisa & P!

InSain & carrying on…

It’s been a long time since I have blogged. I guess the old saying is true, “no news is good news”. Things have been crazy but good. I guess I’ll start with the personal stuff…Yes I had a boyfriend named Todd for a while. We had some issues and we thought it was best to end our relationship. Well, that didn’t go so well and we ended up working out our “wrinkles” and we are now happily back together. We live together and do our best to mesh our lives and families. He has two children that are 18 and 14. We rarely see the 18 year old but spend as much time as we can with his 14 year old. He’s a fun dude and I love them both. We also got a dog… he is the most amazing dog. He is exactly what I needed and is great for my heart and soul.

Now about Preston. Lets start with a timeline…

timeline-for-p

 

1—-On July 29, 2013 Preston was placed at Great Lakes Center for Autism and Research (GLCAR) in Portage Mi, near Kalamazoo, he had just turned 13 years old. The facility is for those with severe autism and behavioral issues. They use intensive treatment and therapy called Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). It is a lock down facility, meaning in order for Preston to go outside use the bathroom, or go into his bedroom, he had to get a staff member to unlock the doors for him to do so. There was nothing in the rooms for him to get to without staff getting it for him. It is sort of what you think of when you think of a prison. I hate to say this, but it’s true. He went to school there and I wasn’t extremely happy with his treatment or the school. With that being said, Preston’s behaviors DID decrease and ultimately I had to think of it as tough love. After about 14 months Preston’s “team” (myself included) decided it was time for him to move on to another facility that was a least restrictive environment (LRE) because his behaviors had substantially decreased. SO the process began to find an appropriate place and we decided on Wedgwood Christian Facility in Grand Rapids Mi.

2—-On November 5, 2014 Preston was transferred to Wedgwood Christian Facility in Grand Rapids Mi. It was a really unorganised and chaotic transfer. I was an emotional wreck. It was the day before my wedding anniversary to his deceased father, Chad and he was now 15 1/2 years old. Wedgwood was a step down from GLCAR. This facility was still a restrictive environment with cement walls and everything was locked. He still had to let staff know if he needed to use the restroom or go anywhere outside of the main room where he spent most his time with other clients. The main differences and positive aspects of the new facility were that there was a huge window in the main room for the clients to look out of, in addition he had a window in his room. The window was locked but could be opened if staff did it. It had a metal grate like cover though. This was so that he couldn’t break the window and of course to keep him from getting out of the window. The staff at Wedgwood was much more relaxed and personal. They used the ABA therapy but generalized it into his daily life. It was no longer intense one on one every day. He was also allowed to go into the community on outings with staff in a van. This is when he discovered the store, $5 and below.. 🙂 His favorite outing. His behaviors stayed at a reasonable level and still decreased. Around August 2015, the team decided that Preston was ready for his next transition to an even more LRE (Least restrictive environment). It took a long time and much confusion before we knew where he was going to be placed. The most crucial decision was also documented at this point. It was stated and documented that even though Preston’s behaviors were decreased, he still required constant 24/7 care and supervision. He still has massive meltdowns and rage, it’s just not as often. He cannot be left alone and will require 24/7 care for the rest of his life. NO DUH! lol However, this is what the state of Michigan needed to hear from professionals over the years of documentation. So there it was. Mission accomplished. Preston will nopt come back home. Not that I am happy about this, but obviously I can no longer care for him the way that he needs. It takes a team of staff members. We finally found a suitable place for Preston’s best interest. This place was also in Grand Rapids and he would not have to change schools, which is fantastic! I absolutely love the school he goes to.

3—-On October 28th, 2016 Preston was transferred to Glen Hollow home in Grand Rapids (Kent County) Mi. He is now 16 1/2 years old. He would be a junior in high school. Once again it was a tough move but an exciting one. For the first time in 3 years, my boy has a bed that was custom made by my bf Todd. Glen Hollow is a test. A HUGE TEST… a test that determines his fate. It is basically a “regular” house in a “normal” subdivision. He lives with 3 others in the home and has 24/7 staffing. There are no locked rooms. He is free to pee!!!!!!!!!!! He can go outside, in the kitchen, in his room, in the basement…. all at his own convenience and desire. It’s a great place and it has only been one week as of today! The goal is for him to be able to be in a group home for adults when he is 18. So far he is doing okay. he is still smearing his poo all over the place but that is what he does under stress. I am going to visit today and the director believes that he should get a tablet for his entertainment! I’m nervous and excited about this, because a tablet can also bring on behaviors. If the battery dies-meltdown, if it isn’t working the way he wants- meltdown, if he has to go do something like chores or go to school and give the tablet up- meltdown. UGH I am praying it goes okay. Time will tell. Let me note, it is also 2 days before mine and Chad’s wedding anniversary. We would have been married for 16 years!!!!

The next step for Preston is a group home in Genesee County…. Hence Pal’s Place.

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*************** Here we are signing on to the new house for Pal’s Place************

Preston And Lisa Sain’s Place (Pal’s Place) will be a small group home for up to 6 adults with developmental disabilities and delays. (DD) It’s a huge venture for me and also a huge dream. I wanted a daycare for special needs, but it never happened. Now I know why. God is funny like that…. he leads us unto the right path. I am so grateful for the guidance. So in a nutshell, that’s what has been going on. I know many have been confused and not completely understanding the situation and I hope this clears up the confusion. Soon I will be posting a link to Pal’s Place so you can see how that is going. It’s keeping me extremely busy and poor Todd is working night and day…. he is a manager for a major supplier for GM and then comes home to my moodswings. I’m generally a hot mess. LOL “hot mess express”. I worry about Preston, his future, my future, the new business and whether or not I can make it a success, not just for P but other adults like him and their families.I’m lucky to have this amazing man in my life. He pushed me to finally do it. He made me cry because one night he just said… ” I believe in you. You need to follow your dreams, if you don’t try you will regret it for the rest of your life”. The next day I started looking at properties and well…. here we are. He is helping me in every aspect! Not to mention my family and friends. I couldn’t do it without you!

 

So it goes…. moving on…. Keeping on keeping on. 🙂 We are in a good spot. As a parent of a special needs child with severe issues and behaviors we will always worry. Just like a “typical” parent of “typical” children, but different and more. I am doing everything in my power to make Preston happy, safe, and healthy before I die. I have no doubt Chad would be happy with my choices and where our son is now. Not to mention a man in our life who supports us and loves us. Instead of being sad on our anniversary, I will think of it as a celebration. It all happens for a reason, I do belive that damn cliche!!! Thank you for helping me make all of this happen! I love you all!!!! xoxo

Peace, love, health, and happiness to you all!

Lisa and Preston booty boy peanut boodah… 🙂

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holiday

Autism Awareness Month

Last night I had sex with a stranger, I walked naked in my house while drinking a nice glass of Merlot. It was magical and the first time I had experienced such an amazing fantasy. I listened to john mayer as the handsome man strummed his guitar….

I want to say some things about autism… but first a quick update on P! I have been told that they are “revamping” the program at the house in Grand rapids!!! 🙂 Hopefully P will be able to move into “the H home”!!!! I am really excited because this is the house in GR that I REALLY fell in love with and I think he will love it! He will not have to change schools and that is HUGE for him! YAY. Please pray that my sweet lil man gets what he deserves and has earned… a safe place without so many restrictions and more freedom! I’ll keep you posted! 🙂  Also sorry about the beginning of the post, I was just trying to get you here with your deviant curiosity 😉 It worked… PLEASE STAY AND READ THE REST!!!IMG_2312

Now autism awareness month….. Many of you are aware of my friend Kelli. Once she was incarcerated a mutual friend and I decided to put up a facebook page to support her and others. That page turned into something quite spectacular. It is FULL of families that live with SEVERE autism. The women in this group are nothing short of amazing and deserve to be put on pedestals. They deserve medals. They are soldiers of a war that will never end. I know to some that statement is possibly insulting, I don’t mean for it to be.  I do not know what it is like to actually be in the military and go to war, but I do know that there have been studies that have been written that show that parents of children with severe autism suffer from the same stress and PTSD as those who suffer from war trauma. I sincerely apologize if I cannot find the right words to describe what I am trying to say.  If you are currently serving… thank you… to the veterans… thank you! 🙂

SQUIRREL…..

Anyways…. so the facebook page has these wonderful women who share their struggles fears and triumphs daily…. unfortunately.. the triumphs are far and few between. When I say severe autism, I don’t just talk of a child who smears their poop, flaps their hands, and doesn’t talk. (although this is not excluded from the wonderful components of a developmentally delayed person). What I’m about to speak of doesn’t necessarily mean EVERY person/child with autism goes through this. They have all or some of the traits I am going to talk about. HOWEVER, I am speaking about the “exclusive group” that was formed. The club that none of us signed up for. In this exclusive club our children do the following:

They eat non food items like drywall, glass, dirt, furniture, candles, etc. This is called PICA… google it, it exists… we aren’t bad parents.

They  have aggressive behaviors.. they hit. they punch us. they pull our hair, they throw things. they bite. Some have torn off refrigerator doors, picked up couches, tables, beds, chairs, lamps, dishes, etc and literally tossed them as if they were a ball of thread.

They have this whole superpower thing going on. They can go for days with MINIMAL hours of sleep. Seriously… DAYS, MONTHS…. Imagine, oh… lets say, three days and during those three days you only slept for 9 hours combined of broken up “naps”. yes it happens. ALL THE TIME!

Many of our kids are emotionally conflicted. Yes they have cognitive deficits. However, they are also very smart. They struggle with their emotions because they feel trapped by the autism. If they can communicate, sometimes they will say things like

“nobody cares about me”  “I want to die”  “I hate my life”  “Do you love me”  “I don’t have any friends”  ” why am I different”

Can you imagine as a parent the heart break? UGH…

I could go on and on. I won’t. What I would like for you to do to help is to just ask someone you know that is the caretaker of someone with autism what you can do to help. Sometimes 15 minutes can do someone a world of good. It may give them a much need rest, a shower, the chance to use the bathroom, maybe eat something, hydrate, etc. Sometimes as an “outsider” you don’t know what to do. Believe me, we will tell you. LOL Sometimes just being WITH us is helpful, we know you don’t understand autism and our kids. We also know that many times that we cannot leave you with our children because of your safety. We would never let you get hurt. We are used to the abuse. We will continue to be the punching bag, but if you could just maybe carry in groceries, or offer to make dinner, ANYTHING! The worst thing you can do, is not ask.

We are ashamed. So we may turn you down. But don’t let us. INSIST on helping. DO NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! We don’t want you to see our house. We are ashamed because it smells like poop and pee. Our walls have holes in them. We don’t live like you do. We want to, but we can’t. So if we say no….. it’s not that we don’t want the help. It’s that we are ashamed and trying to hide the fact that we belong to this exclusive club. So insist on helping. 🙂 The person you help me be one inch away from jumping off of that cliff. You may be saving a life, or worse… lives.

So these wonderful people that belong to this exclusive club have a video to show you our little brave warriors. We love our kids so much that we have given them our lives and our souls. The biggest thing you can do to help is to not judge us, try and be understanding, acceptance, and educating yourself. If you do not want to do any of that… but you want to help.. you can always throw some cash out there. ;-P

Yes really you can. 

MAKE

IT

RAIN

Money

One of our slick moms dug into her own pockets and paid for a website and business. She did it because although the “little things” our kiddos need seem petty, they add up. There was a time I struggled to keep up with P’s dinty moore phase. He was eating about 8 of them a day….as a snack. He went through pull ups like an elephant eats peanuts, I went through sheets like a hospital, our water bill was around $400 a month. Seriously the shit adds up to major bucks. You get the point…so the website unlike other organizations that are non profit and takes your graciously donated money which goes into a big pot and we aren’t exactly sure where all of the funds go; is different. ALL MONEY donated will go to specific needs like clay, sheets, beds, etc.It wont solve our problems, but it will help alleviate a tad bit of stress for both the autistic person and their parent(s)/caregiver(s).

I also have a family member who is donating 20% of sales from a “posh party”

*please see link…

So I am done with this long post. It’s late. I bet most of the people who actually read this tonight are friends of the exclusive club they don’t want to belong to. If you read this, I love you. Keep on keeping on…..everything is temporary and remember … more than anything… you aren’t alone. There is no cure for autism. It’s never going away. But you’re thought of by many and we love you.

For those who don’t belong to the club… open your hearts… if you can’t do that.. then open your wallets… 😉 Thanks… Godspeed.

http://autismhopes.com/

 

https://www.facebook.com/events/714050858700441/

https://www.perfectlyposh.com/poshcity/events/776340

http://autismhopes.com/

 

Lastly, a huge thanks to you Kelli, through your family’s pain, trauma, heartache, struggles, stress, and tragedy; you helped us find each other. We are EXTREMEly grateful for having one another to vent, to share, to love, and have our moments in our exclusive club together. Thank you to all of those who I have met through KS. My son and I are survivors. We couldn’t have done it without you. 🙂 I love you. Funny thing about tragedy, it makes you victorious and valiant.

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Relief with grief

First and foremost I want to thank you all for reading and supporting. I need to clarify something though.. Nobody has ever judged me by saying I will eventually or possibly sooner versus later put Preston in a residential facility. What I have been judged on and criticized for, is my parenting… Or lack thereof. It makes me doubt myself. However I’m trying to resolve this situation and I’m trying to believe my supporters versus the non supporters. It’s hard sometimes. That’s enough about that.
So today I had a 4 hour appointment at CMH… Holy schmoly… Much was accomplished and some VERY exciting news. My son got new medication. It’s 8:03 and he’s asleep!!! Better yet he was much less aggressive today when he got home from school. We aren’t completely out of the woods and this is temporary. One of the meds prescribed is a medication he was just taken off of. He eats non stop compulsively when he takes it. It’s called Risperdal. He can only be on it for so long before he becomes borderline diabetic, it is no longer effective, and they will take him off of it again. So the “success” is bittersweet. But ill take the break. I can’t wait for him to smile again, to hug me, to kiss me. It’s all I have from him. To not get that and have him hitting & abusing me is a horrible feeling that cannot be described in any blog.
I also have doubted my blog, it feels narcissistic in a way. I hope my reasons for doing it show through and I hope that most people understand. I know not everyone will & I’m completely okay with that. I know it’s hard to read or view. It’s like those damn commercials about abused animals with Sarah McLaughlin singing that God awful song in the background guilting us and bringing instant tears! It’s like you don’t want to see that crap! It’s sad! It hurts! It’s easier to turn the channel, but we know the awful truth; the abuse exists….. And people I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but so does autism. One day your child will work next to a person with autism, your grand kids will care for a whole generation of kids diagnosed in the 90’s with autism. One day a person with autism is going to change the world… Oh wait, thanks Einstein.. Mozart, Picasso, newton, Darall Hannah, robin Williams, Dan Akroyd,etc.
So please don’t turn your head, don’t sweep us under the rug, don’t turn your nose, and don’t blame the parents! We couldn’t prevent this! We didn’t cause this! Just accept us, accept them! “They” are humans, with feelings.
On a final note tonight, I would like to express two things: 1- to my friends and family worried about us/ me. I’m okay, this didn’t happen overnight. Preston has ALWAYS been this challenging but I’m really good at disguising it. I’m really good at managing him…… Most of the time. The difference between now and then is that he’s bigger. His punches cause massive bruises. His pinches bring tears to my eyes, his kicks take my breath away. The objects he chooses to throw are no longer sippy cups and Legos but chairs and tables.
Scary? My gosh yes! Emotionally damaging? Ummm yeah I cry A LOT! Physically a threat? Yep. But I’m working on it and I’m no sissy. I’m Preston’s mom and I’m a warrior. We’re going to get through this come hell or high water. I have God on my side.
The 2nd thing I need to mention is my friends, family and all supports. I cannot thank you enough. I have had friends, acquaintances, & strangers offering words of support and most importantly asking what they can do for help. When you offer support it heals a part of me. It gives me strength. In all honesty there is not a whole heck of a lot you can do for us. Please understand that as much as I appreciate the offers of help whether it’s cleaning, watching p, or getting me drunk (jk), there just isn’t a ton one can do but I deeply appreciate it. I love you all and know that just the supportive words help.
Share my blog. It may help someone you know or don’t know. Tonight I read a blog that was shared by a friend on Facebook. As sad I was to read it, I was elated. Her post talked about the money time and emotion she put into treatments therapies Etc. for her daughter. I have done everything she has & we are in the same position. To know this today gave me a super boost a recharge, a jump start! It’s like I had several orgasms with Johnny depp (don’t ask how I know what that’s like)! It elated me… Just to know that I’m not alone. I’m not a bad mom. So share… Read… You never know how or when it could help someone.
Love, hugs, peace, health, wealth, & happiness.
Tonight ill sleep a little better than I have in a long time. Thanks friends!
Sincerely,
Preston’s mom, a boy with severe autism who is trying his best to be happy and well behaved

For your viewing pleasure I am posting a video of a tantrum in the car…remember Sarah McLaughlin!!! 😉 oops guess I’m not! It’s $60 for a year to be able to post ..hold that thought maybe next month lol
However here are a few pics taken over the last week…. We’ll call them ” a glimpse inside the inSain asylum 😉 enjoy…

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Another day in paradise

Wow what a night. He was agitated and out of control. I was scared. Not just scared but shaking. He came home from school completely agitated and immediately from the moment he walked in the door a complete autism and cognitively impaired mess. He wasn’t there. This isn’t my child. ( great Sheryl crow is on the TV singing my favorite mistake.. My own song to Preston lol I may start crying) carry on… Okay where was I? Oh yes the wild eyed monster who wasn’t emotionally or neurologically connected was kicking, biting, head butting, pinching, scratching, slapping, and punching me. He threw the following items: the coffee table, two kitchen chairs, a huge sensory chair, the computer (which was just installed yesterday) he threw a picture on the wall it was the last one standing. He threw a coffee mug and it broke all over. He even tried knocking the refrigerator over.
I wanted to hit him. I did. It’s a horrible feeling but it’s also a gut reaction and survival extinct. It’s also wrong. I’m crying I’m shaking and my chest is tight. I’m scared and I’m angry and I miss my husband. Where is my partner? This completely f”ing” sucks. Okay it’s out of hand I’m calling my Cmh worker. She insists we go to hospital.
We did. 6 men to restrain him. 3 doses of very strong medications … The staff was stressed. At one point I screamed to get their attention. They were doing everything wrong the doctor told them to listen to me. Things calmed down once they did. It was awful to see my baby restrained. He looked scared and confused and said please a few times. He even said “ow”.. Of course they hurt him even though it was unintentional.
He’s finally sedated. We are being sent home. Same old story, you’re parent of the year, you’re a great mom, how do you do this? What are you going to do? Is he always like this? He’s so strong! Why does he act like that? You need to figure this out! Have you thought of a group home?
Oh my F***ing goodness!
Yes I have and more. I’ve done it all… Hi everyone this is my human son Preston he can hear you! He is a child! He has AUTISM! Not every child with autism can sing play an instrument paint draw or be gifted in math. Please please think before you open your mouth. Please. Don’t you think we deal enough?
We are home, so far he’s okay and happy. The heavy meds helped him sleep and relax for almost an hour. He loved the ambulance ride. Lol I’m praying he sleeps tonight and does okay I’m school tomorrow. I’m praying the appointment with the psychiatrist goes well & that she can find a drug that works to help stabilize my son. That’s the first appointment, I have another one that is going to be COMPLETELY stressful and emotional. Please God, give me strength. Damn it I need my husband. This sucks. To top it all off.. It’s that time of month… Lord help everyone who comes into my path. I’m a ball of fury.

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“Typical” Night

It was a rough night. Preston got home from a not so good day at school and the guilt came flooding in. He had a field trip that I forgot about. Mother of the year :/ oh well it happens to the best of us…. Carry on.
He seemed to be doing okay and I was pleased. Oops too late screams out of nowhere. He’s frustrated and pinching and biting. I seriously have no clue why. I try to distract him by asking him if he wants cheesy bread ( his latest “crack food”) he nods yes & we go get the bread. He’s still upset but not as aggressive. I realize it has been about an hour since I medicated him… He’s on yet another new medicine. One more day of observing & if the rage resumes the med is doomed.
Home we are and he sat at the table to eat, started crying and the aggressiveness towards me started again. I redirect to a bath & try a new product that my mom and brother suggest. HUGE HUGE HUGE MISTAKE! The stuff is a mess! You put it in bath water and it turns to slime type of material. Great sensory play but apparently I did it wrong and it was equivalent to opening a diaper and pouring that jelly stuff in the water. I try to tell him get out… More rage and water and gooey diaper like substance is splashed and thrown all over the bathroom. From ceiling to floor.. **sigh** breathe… Don’t cry.. Don’t cry.. You just have to clean it no biggie. Carry on.
Rage hitting biting… Don’t lash out.. Leave situation, breathe.
Okay deal with angry P… Redirect to computer… Success!!! 🙂 I love you Bob the Builder & YouTube! Finish cleaning bathroom…text from latest bachelor: what are you doing? Me: not much … But I’m sort of busy can I text you later? Him: you always say that..
Preston is back.. Angry pulling on me.. Damn you Bob the Builder! Me: ha yes, well I’m a busy girl sorry ill ttyl 🙂 him: no response
Go to help p on computer, he broke the mouse. Crap. I’m doomed. “Preston you broke it, sorry”. Rage, he pinched me so hard while I was on the floor.. I fought back tears and pinching him back or hitting him. Please God give me strength. Please God help him calm down. He runs into kitchen shakes the refrigerator so hard that the door opens and food falls out. I can’t control this.
Benadryl
It’s only 7:00 but I seriously don’t know what else to do. Bachelor #1 (B#1)texts again: have you seen Harry Potter? Me: no B#1: it’s really good… All of them you should watch them sometime!!
DAMN IT! I drop the top to Benadryl and P took his opportunity to spill the sticky neon pink serum on the kitchen floor. Me: yeah ill try to get to that sometime B#1: what are you doing now?
melatonin
I can’t do this and I’m tired. I give him melatonin. He is willing to lay down in my bed. Awesome deal… Go for it.
Success. It’s 7:37 and he’s been quiet for ten minutes. 🙂 where do I start? The bathroom? Kitchen? The computer room? He knocked everything off the desk, including the monitor and keyboard. I should unplug it all and hide it or issues in the morning…
Ugh morning. All in all not a horrible night just a tough one….a day in the life… Note to self: add Harry Potter to bucket list lol
Crap I never responded back. I need to go pretend I’m normal while I clean goo from the bathroom ceiling. I am praying Preston sleeps all night.

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