Hi all. So here it is, the most dreaded time of year for me. memories flood of the dreadful phone call i received that my husband died in a car accident on his way to work. I’m not going to bore you with the story….again… but I just have this insatiable need to convey that it happened and that it is hard, and that i miss him. There i said it. 😉 Moving on to stories of the living….
My “baby”, Preston… He’s doing okay. It has been to date the toughest challenge I have faced in my life. He’s doing okay. He thrives in some areas, in others he doesn’t. Mostly i am concerned about his emotional state, and his safety. He keeps getting bit. Not tiny bites but huge horrible painful bites. Its very disturbing. It’s extremely and emotionally excruciatingly hard to bare. I am unable to protect him. It flat out sucks. With that being said…I appreciate not being abused by him. Imagine that scenario… Sad for him, yet somewhat happy for me that for the past 4 months i have not been abused by my child or feared for my life. Yet devastated over his possible lack of happiness, security, and safety. Its a hard place to be in my head and words could never convey to you the pain I face on a daily basis. I push away the thoughts and do my best to let my faith in God help me know this is the right thing… for now.
In a nutshell this is where we are at. I decided to request a permanent facility stay for Preston (group home like setting) this is the St Louis center. I am told it wont happen but am waiting for the official denial letter so that i can appeal the decision and go from there. I may or may not know more about this situation this Wednesday as I have a big meeting to discuss where we are with the outcome from community mental health. I cannot afford to pay for this, it would cost approximately $60,000 on the low end. Possibly more if he required a one on one aide on a daily basis. Ultimately if I cannot get financial help from the state to pay for this, Preston is coming home. Once he turns 18 medicaid will cover a group home. So I have 4 1/2 years to try my best to keep us both alive until he can be placed in the group home.
I can not give up my rights as a parent. Preston would be placed in foster homes and probably shifted back and forth between foster homes due to his severity and the inability of others to care for him. He could even be hospitilized. Eventually if he is placed in a permanent facility, then I would have legally abandoned him which is a felony in the state of Michigan and end up in jail. I would be placed on the central registry list of child abuse/ neglect and never be able to work with kids in the academic field. i would probably go to jail for a while and accrue a hefty bill in attorney fees while i tried to have the felony expunged from my record. In all honesty, if I knew there was a family that could care for him, love him, and keep him safe, I would go to jail. However, that is not a reasonable expectation. So Preston will probably come home.
I am trying my best to prepare for this scenario. I am in the process of trying to move, sell my house, etc so that i can find a house closer to my mom who helps me so much with him. i need a home that is more suitable in meeting his needs. For example privacy…so my neighbors don’t hate me anymore. I’m trying my best to get back into school so i can finish my degree. I am 9 classes away from two bachelors degrees. However, it isn’t easy. I still deal with loads of paperwork and stress with p being in the treatment facility. i struggle emotionally with trying to stay positive. My family and friends have been a HUGE help in this area.
I have done more over the past 4 months then I have done in the past decade combined. I sleep, eat, shower, like a normal human. I love that part….its a freedom I have not had in 13 years. I will miss that part of my life when/if p comes home. However, as a mom… I am almost elated that he may come home. I miss my baby.
I am sad that Christmas is here again…..I’ll be happy to see it pass….however, I have had the best 4 months and hardest four months of my life. i am not stressed 24/7. My chest pains have stopped…It feels great. I suppose its the calm before the storm.
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas….Ill try and keep you posted. I need to thank you all for the support, for caring…for loving us. My life has not been easy ( I know that nobody’s is) but ironically through this insanity i feel so blessed. I have SO MANY PEOPLE that love us. That are there for me when I need them. I am a lucky girl….I feel happy and content right now…even with the huge void in my life of my son. I am trying to stay calm and carry on… its all I can do… baby steps and one day at a time…I have truly healed over the past four months. I’m not sure if we will make it when/if he comes home. But I am going to give it everything I have left in me. Its my only choice.
Remember my friend Kelli….she felt she had no other option. I pray for her daily and miss her immensely. I pray for her children mostly. I also thank her for her actions, because it showed me I am not alone. She has shown me that the options I do have (life or death) I want to live and keep fighting. If you would like to write Kelli, send money to her comisarry account,or donate to her legal defense, any and everything is greatly appreciated. Kelli helped me and now I want to help her… thank you, and you can visit her page here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kelli-Stapleton-The-Status-Woe/441514065886958?directed_target_id=0 Before Preston went into treatment, I was one meltdown away from driving into the train tracks…Ive had much needed time and mostly peace to prepare for the storm… Im doing my best and I couldn’t have done it without you all. I love you and I thank you! Happy New Year and count your blessings…:) You’re alive….