Yesterday I was at my psychiatrist appointment to get more medication. I’ve been without my meds for a little while and I can feel the difference. The psychiatrist has seen me once before but doesn’t remember me. I explained my circumstance and this slightly jarred his memory. As he started asking me questions I began to cry, then sob, and before you know it I was a blubbery mess of tears. Here is how the conversation went and I will leave out the parts that I don’t think are suitable for this blog.
Dr: Why are you crying so hard?
Me: I feel completely lost, angry sad hurt and alone, and most of all I miss my child
Dr: well this is something you must accept and cope with better, you cannot be dependent on drugs
Me: I am not dependent on drugs.
Dr: then why would you wait so long to refill?
Me: Because i thought I could do it without them but I know I can’t I feel my depression and anxiety getting worse
Dr: You do not take drugs of any kind?
Dr: whats in your purse?
Me: excuse me? Nothing… cigarettes, tissue, autism pamphlets, a special needs trust fund brochure, etc.
Dr: okay. Well do you not have any support? What about your boyfriend?
Me: I dont have a bf.
Dr: The paperwork says you do. It says RIGHT HERE that you live with your boyfriend.
Me: I do not live with anyone except my son
Dr: so your son is with you or in a facility?
Me (crying out of control and hard to breathe) NO, I lived with my son alone until he went into treatment now I live alone.
Dr: I dotn understand why it would say that if you live alone. I will not judge you, its okay to live with someone.
Me: I LIVE ALONE and what does it matter. Why do I feel interrogated? No disrespect but you are making me cry because I don’t feel sympathy or understanding from you, and thats fine but for God’s sake please dont scrutinize me. I just need the stupid medication.
Dr: I honestly do not feel safe writing a script for you and quite frankly I feel like calling an ambulance for you now. You are in crisis mode and you need a shot of something for your nerves and you are having an anxiety attack. I know I am not the psychiatrist who saw you before and I believe that you have memory problems, PTSD, anger issues, and if you do not talk to me I cannot help you. You need to be admitted into the psych unit for a couple fo days for evaluation.
Me: How can I get help when you are badgering me and you are the one that doesn’t remember me?
Dr: you are the one with mental health issues, not me. You must calm down or I’m sending you to the psych unit.
Me: (realising he is serious) take a deep breath and get on my phone and play a family feud game…I must quit crying or Im going to be admitted and I still wont get my meds but Ill be doped up laying in a hospital bed. I take along hard deep breath and I apologise for my “anger and noncompliance”. I ask him about his work and how long he has been there yadda yadda, five minutes later I get my stupid script for a prozac type medication. All that for an antidepressant. Nothing more. He refuses to give it to me.
I leave the office with my puffy eyes. I’m so angry and frustrated. This psychiatrist is a state worker. I do not have insurance other than the genesee health plan which is minimal coverage yet better than none. I have no other choice to go to him. My family pcp will not give me tylenol if my leg fell off. Shes horrible and constantly tells me I need therapy. I know friends who get xanax because their kid didnt make the football team and they are upset. I’m not happy. Then I got one of the worst phone calls I think I’ve ever received.
Its my friend who tells me about the Stapletons. My hero, my sister, my warrior, my confidante, my mutual contender, my mentor, and so many other things.
Oh My God, PLEASE help me find the words. There are no words. I just have to type this.
The system failed Kelli and her family, she got to a breaking point. She attempted to kill Issy and herself.
I have been close to this scenario myself. As a matter of fact yesterday when this stupid doctor wanted to admit me into the psych ward I thought my gosh I could just go postal, why is it so hard to get help.
I have no words for the pain and shock I am feeling for her, for her husband, for her children, all three of them. I may be sounding a little conceded here but I thought I was the strongest person I knew, until i met Kelli. She has fought for so long. SO LONG DAY AFTER DAY HOUR AFTER HOUR YEAR AFTER YEAR to get help for her daughter.
One person can only do so much, along the way she held my hand and showed me the ropes. I can never repay her for her braveness and courage to stand up for Preston and I as we sought out treatment, I didn’t understand how God could give me such a wonderful friend to support me. Our lives mirrored one another and through her I have met so many other wonderful parents and we have become this brigade and Kelli is our leader. She is our Commander, our chief.
She has fallen. I will NEVER give up on you Kelli. My heart aches. I am so sorry my dear friend. I only wish I knew what to do. I feel like you would have already rallied the troops and be standing by my side. I feel as if I failed you. Im scared, and I feel alone. I wish i could have been there for you more. I pray for you nonstop.
Last night as I drove home by the railroad tracks that I so many times have thought about running my car into with myself and Preston, I cried for you. I have been there more times than I care to admit. However, for the first time I looked at them very differently and I was afraid of them. I got chills and I broke down. I pulled off to the side of the road and I made a promise to God. I swore that i would do my best to carry on, no matter how hard.
My friends, my family, my supporters, I make a vow to you this day. I promise to do my best to not go into those train tracks. Life is not easy now or has it ever been. I am bracing myself for the fight to place Preston into a permanent facility. I cannot care for him any longer. Its so hard to admit. But I cant. I’m not sure if I will ever be the smae person I used to be. This life has really changed me. But I’m okay.
I wasn’t before he went into treatment. I was one more punch in the face from riding into those tracks. But Im okay now. for now.
Please pray for Kelli and her family during this devastating tragedy. If you do not support her and express sympathy and compassion, please do not post on my page. Remove yourself from my friends list. She is and always will be a hero in my eyes. Please pray fpor her and her family.
Here is a support page on facebook: