Just the two two of us

Building castles in the sky….just the two of us. Then we got pregnant, wow! What a whirlwind. When I met you I wasnt completely sure you were the “one”. However, I knew you were something. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was simply compassion. you listened, or at least i thought you did. We made out in your truck, you had me at hello. Fast forward to being committed,  caring, loving. That was it. Signed sealed and delivered. I thought you were handsome and most of all patient. You listened to me about my past, my broken heart. My life. You accepted me for my faults and my at the time “scatteredness”.. now to be known as A.D.D. You just loved me for me. We were perfect. We were the wild cards according to our friends. We were both somewhat devious, both looking for that fun partner in crime. We fit. We laughed, we broke the law, we were devious, we loved, we shared. We were two good people that shared hopes and dreams that were similar. We got engaged. We lost our first baby; that we named Jessie regardless of the sex,  we mourned, we cried…we got through it. We got pregnant again, and we went on our miserable honeymoon. It was miserable because I was pregnant and seriously sick. We made the best of it. You were a trooper.. you made me laugh..you loved me, It was a beautiful vacation and honeymoon. Our son was born.. baby Sain. We fought over his name for a month. Finally the perfect name erected, Preston, Preston Lee. You named him.photo (16) It was perfect. Then you died.

The life I thought we would have was smashed within minutes. How can your husband die when its a week before Christmas and you already bought friends and family gifts?! But you were gone. Gone. It wasn’t a nightmare, as I hoped it was, you were gone.

Fast forward to 2013. Holy shit Chad, if you only knew. If you only knew.. omg I’m a hot mess.. Im crying as i type. Im not okay. Im not okay with you being gone. Im not okay with our dreams smashed. Im not okay with our son living his while life without his Father, his dad, his dada, his daddy. DAMN IT!!!! Im not okay! I never was and I never will be. I was 25. TWENTY FIVE!!!! (pause for emotional breakdown)

OKay.. I’m back. It was too early, but I always wished, wished being the key word, that i would  “find” someone else. I remember thinking at your funeral that i wished it was 5 years down the road. So that i “could be over it”. LOL How funny. You’re never over it when someone you love dies. It only gets not as raw, not as earth shattering, not as “I cant live like this” type emotion”…I no longer wait for you to walk through the door at 6:00. I know you arent here for birthdays, Christmas, or any other holiday. It’s still heart wrenching, you would think a young, and I say this with much sarcasm; beautiful girl like me would find someone. You would think. But you see our son has severe autism and it has hindered my life a tad bit. I’m still alone as the day you died. I’m not 25 anymore. I’m pushing 40, and quite frankly not the same person I used to be. I have the bitter taste of losing everything…( ty Sarah McLauchlin) It’s been the saddest loneliest life that I never ever thought I would know, let alone live.

However, It is what it is, and baby I’ve given it my all. I have been through a life of cheaters, liars, and thieves. Always trying to make the best judgement. It hasn’t worked out in that realm for me personally. HOWEVER….I’ve always put our son first, ALWAYS. In 10 years he has only met 5 men. All men I thought were worthy, obviously my man ticker is off. lol Bottom line is I’ve tried.photo (17)

Bottom line is I miss you.I miss you more than anyone can imagine. I’ve only experienced love twice in my life. I am grateful for those times to have had love and to be loved. I’m not sure I’ll have it again, but I’m okay with that. The old saying is definitely true, “its better to have loved than to never have loved at all”. I loved. I loved you and I always will Chad. Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for our son. I wouldn’t know my passion if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t know such true, raw, unconditional love if it weren’t for him, for us.photo (18)

Life is raw, it’s tough, it’s seriously heartbreaking. However, I know that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I’d be lying if I said i wouldn’t change things… but I’m not lying when I say I’m grateful for what’s been given  to us. I’m okay with it. I truly am. I’ll keep fighting, I’ll keep pushing, even when it’s nearly unbearable. I’m Blessed, because of you, because of our son. As lonely as it is. I’ll fight. I’ll love, unconditional love, your legacy, your only son. I love you Chad, Forever and always. Happy Birthday, I love you then, now, always.

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3 comments on “Just the two two of us

  1. God bless you both, sweet Lisa and Preston. Praying for God to envelope you both with comfort, strength, endurance, wisdom, peace, assistance, and love that passes all understanding.

  2. Sam says:

    I have read all of your blogs, sobbing, my heart breaking for you. Keep writing, write a book, write it out, friend. and you ARE NOT ALONE. I may not be in the “community” of autism but I am telling you, you are not alone. xoxo

    • lisasain says:

      Hi Sam,
      You are right. I am not alone. Since qwriting the blog i have found a few other families who have been through the same thing. I am not alone in my journey. It helps just to know that much! Thanks for caring!
      Lisa

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