No Words

     No words to describe how hectic life has been for me lately. Here is a glimpse at my schedule for this week only, mind you… Preston just got discharged from the hospital on Friday late afternoon. We are still adjusting to him being home and the experience in general. Also keep in mind that coming up with a schedule for P so that he attends (mandatory) some of these meetings takes a slight miracle on behalf of my brain.  So…

Monday:

10:30 home visit with GHS

1:30 phone “appointment” with “X”

3:30 appointment with new therapist at GHS

Tuesday

1:30 visit with Psychiatrist (lasts until 3:00)

Wednesday

9:00 GHS Meeting Lasts until 11:00

11:00 Nails 🙂 ***note to self you need to drop money off to M.S.!DOH!!***

4:30 inservice at respite place with new workers

Thursday

8:00 blood draw for Preston

8:45 appointment to interview new providers lasts until 11:20

11:30 Psychological group meeting (support for ME) lasts until 1:00

1:36 Lunch

2:15 visit my uncle

3:30 pick up P from my moms & update her on the meetings of the day

6:20 home

6:50-Blog

I’m really busy and in between meetings and appointments, my phone is ringing off the hook. I’m occasionally getting on facebook to browse or post a pic and doing my best to be informed of the fundraiser through Spa Rodzina http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-lisa-preston-put-their-lives-together-piece-by-piece-/47136

I’m trying to thank people and say Happy Birthday. I’m trying to be a good friend and respond to texts, to say thank you when I get random posts. I feel bad that I have cancelled plans with many people over the last few months, oh who am I kidding.. years. For years I have struggled to maintain relationships… not the boyfriend kind but the friends and family in my life. It’s tough. I just want to stay home on my “free time”, I just want to relax sometimes. I just want to stay in and cry. Sometimes I just can’t deal even when I do go out. Yet I make myself because I love you all so much. I sit home alone and that never really helps…unless I’m sleeping but that’s hard to do. My head spins. 

      In a nutshell what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t been the friend or family member you used to know or deserve. I’ll be back I swear, but right now…it’s a day by day thing. Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde have nothing on me…;) My moms health still isn’t good. She is struggling with pain and wellness daily. My biggest source of help and support, and I can’t do anything for her, its killing me. I have to admit,that my biggest struggle right now is that my heart is aching over my Uncle’s battle with cancer. I love him so much. Image I hurt for my whole family.. his children, his grandchildren, my aunt, his friends, his family, for him. It’s just so sad and frustrating. There are no words to describe, as many of you know. Too many people know about cancer…and too many of us know that there are no words to describe the emotions and the roller coaster ride of senses that it makes us face. 

On another note lets talk about no words…As I am trudging through the trenches.. dong my best to survive and make a better life for my son, I have COMPLETE strangers helping us. Monetary donations, ideas, supporting words, and pure LOVE coming from everywhere… I don’t know how to say thank you, I don’t always reply. Sometimes because I’m too busy, sometimes because I have no words.. just tears. Tears of joy and tears of gratitude. Tears of raw human emotion. You don’t know this, but when I’m down, and  I don’t mean down like, “damn it this was a bad day and i just want a beer or a vacation down”. I mean down like down,” I am not sure its worth it anymore”. So when this happens, I know what to do.  I read your responses, I read the emails, the texts, and the comments.. and I say how selfish for me to even think that. I smile and I remember I am not alone. No matter what ANYBODY’S struggles are… we are all here for a reason and we are NEVER alone. The tears that stream constant down my cheeks become tears of a plethora of emotions. Happiness, gratitude, a sense of renewed hope, courage, and stamina for my fight, for my sons fight. Who by the way REALLY has no words…but if he did he would say.. thank you for understanding my mom, thank you for your patience, thank you for your help. Thank you for holding her up when she can no longer stand alone. Her war is for me, so that i can thrive. 

I love you so much my friends, my besties, the strangers who help, my family. Please know that I see everything, and i’m trying to keep up. Thank you. 

I have no more words tonight. 

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4 comments on “No Words

  1. MOM says:

    With tears in my eyes my DAughter , I say to you , I love you and couldn’t be any prouder of you . Things are so very hard right now , but somehow , someway , this HAS to work out , because We have to believe it is not all for nothing and it is in Gods plans ……

  2. Gayle Studt says:

    Dear Cousin – I wish I were there to help or give you a shoulder to lean on. I will keep you in my prayers. Gayle

  3. carrie says:

    You are absolutely amazing! I have been reading your blogs lately and oh my goodness, you are one strong, determined and incredible person Lisa! Just so u know I have added you and Preston to my daily prayers. Even my daughters pray with me for you and P! I hope he gets all the help he needs and hope that doctor writes what needs to be written.

  4. Elizabeth P. says:

    Lisa, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you that you are AMAZING. I have been following your blog for a while now and your love and compassion for your Preston is truly inspiring. You are both in our prayers daily and I think of you all the time. I hope you have a HAPPY HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!! XOXOXOXO

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