Just the two two of us

Building castles in the sky….just the two of us. Then we got pregnant, wow! What a whirlwind. When I met you I wasnt completely sure you were the “one”. However, I knew you were something. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was simply compassion. you listened, or at least i thought you did. We made out in your truck, you had me at hello. Fast forward to being committed,  caring, loving. That was it. Signed sealed and delivered. I thought you were handsome and most of all patient. You listened to me about my past, my broken heart. My life. You accepted me for my faults and my at the time “scatteredness”.. now to be known as A.D.D. You just loved me for me. We were perfect. We were the wild cards according to our friends. We were both somewhat devious, both looking for that fun partner in crime. We fit. We laughed, we broke the law, we were devious, we loved, we shared. We were two good people that shared hopes and dreams that were similar. We got engaged. We lost our first baby; that we named Jessie regardless of the sex,  we mourned, we cried…we got through it. We got pregnant again, and we went on our miserable honeymoon. It was miserable because I was pregnant and seriously sick. We made the best of it. You were a trooper.. you made me laugh..you loved me, It was a beautiful vacation and honeymoon. Our son was born.. baby Sain. We fought over his name for a month. Finally the perfect name erected, Preston, Preston Lee. You named him.photo (16) It was perfect. Then you died.

The life I thought we would have was smashed within minutes. How can your husband die when its a week before Christmas and you already bought friends and family gifts?! But you were gone. Gone. It wasn’t a nightmare, as I hoped it was, you were gone.

Fast forward to 2013. Holy shit Chad, if you only knew. If you only knew.. omg I’m a hot mess.. Im crying as i type. Im not okay. Im not okay with you being gone. Im not okay with our dreams smashed. Im not okay with our son living his while life without his Father, his dad, his dada, his daddy. DAMN IT!!!! Im not okay! I never was and I never will be. I was 25. TWENTY FIVE!!!! (pause for emotional breakdown)

OKay.. I’m back. It was too early, but I always wished, wished being the key word, that i would  “find” someone else. I remember thinking at your funeral that i wished it was 5 years down the road. So that i “could be over it”. LOL How funny. You’re never over it when someone you love dies. It only gets not as raw, not as earth shattering, not as “I cant live like this” type emotion”…I no longer wait for you to walk through the door at 6:00. I know you arent here for birthdays, Christmas, or any other holiday. It’s still heart wrenching, you would think a young, and I say this with much sarcasm; beautiful girl like me would find someone. You would think. But you see our son has severe autism and it has hindered my life a tad bit. I’m still alone as the day you died. I’m not 25 anymore. I’m pushing 40, and quite frankly not the same person I used to be. I have the bitter taste of losing everything…( ty Sarah McLauchlin) It’s been the saddest loneliest life that I never ever thought I would know, let alone live.

However, It is what it is, and baby I’ve given it my all. I have been through a life of cheaters, liars, and thieves. Always trying to make the best judgement. It hasn’t worked out in that realm for me personally. HOWEVER….I’ve always put our son first, ALWAYS. In 10 years he has only met 5 men. All men I thought were worthy, obviously my man ticker is off. lol Bottom line is I’ve tried.photo (17)

Bottom line is I miss you.I miss you more than anyone can imagine. I’ve only experienced love twice in my life. I am grateful for those times to have had love and to be loved. I’m not sure I’ll have it again, but I’m okay with that. The old saying is definitely true, “its better to have loved than to never have loved at all”. I loved. I loved you and I always will Chad. Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for our son. I wouldn’t know my passion if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t know such true, raw, unconditional love if it weren’t for him, for us.photo (18)

Life is raw, it’s tough, it’s seriously heartbreaking. However, I know that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I’d be lying if I said i wouldn’t change things… but I’m not lying when I say I’m grateful for what’s been given  to us. I’m okay with it. I truly am. I’ll keep fighting, I’ll keep pushing, even when it’s nearly unbearable. I’m Blessed, because of you, because of our son. As lonely as it is. I’ll fight. I’ll love, unconditional love, your legacy, your only son. I love you Chad, Forever and always. Happy Birthday, I love you then, now, always.

Living in prison

A pretty important meeting is happening tomorrow. Mr. “X” is meeting with the “top peeps” at GHS, they are going to battle it out over medicaid codes and whether or not they are covered services. Please pray for us. In many ways I’m sure the GHS “peeps” will continue to say it is not a covered service but its a little bit of hope and its all I have left in me. Literally, I’m fading, I’m withering, my health is suffering, my mind is going numb into that whole post traumatic stress disorder “place”, and I am dying a slow death. I am no longer myself. I have moments that I do my best to pretend I am me, but I’m not. Inside I want to scream, cry, lash out on everyone. I’m not the Lisa i used to know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her again. My life is a daily battle of survival. Right now i’m sick. I have a bad allergy sinus thing going on.. or I keep telling myself that. I hope its not bronchitis or something serious. I went back to sleep today when P went to school and had a terrible reoccurring nightmare about my late husband. The dream changes here and there but mostly its the same, he fakes his death because he doesn’t want to deal with Preston or he cant deal with him. He has the perfect family as I struggle to deal with our son and the nastiness of autism. I despise the dream, almost as much as I despise autism. I wake up feeling alone, angry, hurt, and sad that I feel betrayed by my dead husband, even worse I feel like I’m truly insane.
I struggled on Sunday the inevitable Mothers day. No good morning hug from my blue eyed baby. No card, no breakfast in bed, no flowers, ….Just another day as the world celebrates moms…I say a prayer and I thank God for mine. But this year I couldn’t even verbally thank my mom. I didn’t have it in me to even get her a card. I promised her a day together in August IF Preston gets approved for a camp that he hates. I promised a day trip (in 3 months) to the casino where we could enjoy a dinner and a car ride and a hotel room that was peaceful. It’s a day that we both deserve and i’m not even sure i can make it happen. I’m a tad bit resentful and angry these days. I’m trying not to be, I really am. I’m asking God for my strength and to not lose hope. But its hard to see the light when you’re in prison. That’s what our life has become, I’m a prisoner in my own home. So is Preston. It sucks. What sucks even more is that this summer I have 4 events I’m hoping to do IF P gets to go to the camp he hates,
2- a John Mayer concert with no date.. but hey 3rd wheel is better than a night in prison right? 😉 
3- a night with my mom to the casino
4-Jimmy Buffet I have a date from Scotland 😉 
After typing this I slightly feel better and blessed, I mean some people probably don’t get to do that…so I should quit being all woe is me. 
Back to my original point, please excuse the sidetracked thoughts and pity party. lol My point is PLEASE pray, please pray that we get the answers we need tomorrow. Not just for me but for other families in this county. Preston and i are not the only prisoners. 
Here is the “recap letter i sent to Mr. “X” for the meeting of the minds tomorrow:
 
 
Hi Mr. “X”,
 On Friday may 10th Preston was supposed to go to the Fowler center for weekend respite camp. My mom & brother took him because there were problems with me taking him last time, we thought this would resolve the issues. Upon arrival he screamed, cried, & refused to get out of the car. He did not want to go so my mom brought him back home. 
   On Saturday afternoon my mom who is also my respite/cls worker took him for the night. He did okay. Not without aggitation, aggression, & destructive behaviors. however my mom knew i desperately needed the break to sleep.  I picked him up Sunday morning & when we got home he broke the mouse to the pc. We left to get another one at radio shack. He wanted to go to Salvation Army but it was closed, It is in the same plaza as radio shack. I told him it was closed but he did not get that concept. Knowing it was closed I let him walk down there himself to see the doors were locked. As he was pounding on the windows I watched from a distance as a car pulled up to drop off donations to an after hours box. I turned around and started walking towards radio shack thinking he would follow me. When I turned back around he was gone. It really made me nervous because I knew the store was closed. I thought he was taken by the car I noticed. I immediately ran down to the store when I noticed lights were on and the doors were open. As it turned out workers are there but the store is closed to the public. They thought he was in danger & opened the doors for him & called the police. When I got inside I explained he was non verbal & has autism. I asked them to tell police to still come knowing this could get ugly. I was able to coax Preston out of the store with three video tapes. He had taken his coat and shoes off and was close to stripping naked. When the police officer arrived he knew who we were. He asked me again if I managed his care alone, I explained I did through tears. He made sure Preston got buckled safely and into the car then we went home. I was afraid of the car ride home. I managed to only get a bloody lip from him. I sedated him as soon as we got home because he was being unruly. 
Today is Monday as i picked him up from school for his doctors appointment i could hear him screaming. He was on the floor crying & had three staff around him trying to control him. (Last thursday the cpi team was called in his classroom due to his outburst, it took an hour and 4 staff members to control him) At the doctors appointment, in my eyes he was “good”, the doctor asked me if I had considered putting him into a home. I just cried and didn’t have much to say to him. Preston was all over the room jumping, hitting the bed, the counter, splashing in water, not being still for one second. 
When we got home he broke our recliner, stripped several times while standing at the front door, and had aggressive behaviors towards me on and off. 
It is now 5:30 and I am waiting to give him his night meds so I can get him to sleep, praying he sleeps all night. We are sitting in a parking lot so I can type this to you. (He enjoys car rides). This is a typical few days. 
What a great Mothers Day as usual. Preston needs intensive treatment that the center can provide! It’s not permanent residency, but it’s a permanent solution! His condition is something that professionals without experience in autism cannot handle, the center can help change his behaviors and teach me and staff how to keep him under control! Thanks, Lisa S. 
 
So there it is.. a typical recap of a few days for us. Please pray. My son needs intensive therapy. I’m not sure how much longer we have….We are slowly dying. Thank you.. 🙂 
Peace, love, health, wealth, and happiness to you all….Share my blog, share the fundraiser, … share because you care…Eventually something has to give if I keep screaming.. right? 
 
 
 

No Words

     No words to describe how hectic life has been for me lately. Here is a glimpse at my schedule for this week only, mind you… Preston just got discharged from the hospital on Friday late afternoon. We are still adjusting to him being home and the experience in general. Also keep in mind that coming up with a schedule for P so that he attends (mandatory) some of these meetings takes a slight miracle on behalf of my brain.  So…

Monday:

10:30 home visit with GHS

1:30 phone “appointment” with “X”

3:30 appointment with new therapist at GHS

Tuesday

1:30 visit with Psychiatrist (lasts until 3:00)

Wednesday

9:00 GHS Meeting Lasts until 11:00

11:00 Nails 🙂 ***note to self you need to drop money off to M.S.!DOH!!***

4:30 inservice at respite place with new workers

Thursday

8:00 blood draw for Preston

8:45 appointment to interview new providers lasts until 11:20

11:30 Psychological group meeting (support for ME) lasts until 1:00

1:36 Lunch

2:15 visit my uncle

3:30 pick up P from my moms & update her on the meetings of the day

6:20 home

6:50-Blog

I’m really busy and in between meetings and appointments, my phone is ringing off the hook. I’m occasionally getting on facebook to browse or post a pic and doing my best to be informed of the fundraiser through Spa Rodzina http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-lisa-preston-put-their-lives-together-piece-by-piece-/47136

I’m trying to thank people and say Happy Birthday. I’m trying to be a good friend and respond to texts, to say thank you when I get random posts. I feel bad that I have cancelled plans with many people over the last few months, oh who am I kidding.. years. For years I have struggled to maintain relationships… not the boyfriend kind but the friends and family in my life. It’s tough. I just want to stay home on my “free time”, I just want to relax sometimes. I just want to stay in and cry. Sometimes I just can’t deal even when I do go out. Yet I make myself because I love you all so much. I sit home alone and that never really helps…unless I’m sleeping but that’s hard to do. My head spins. 

      In a nutshell what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t been the friend or family member you used to know or deserve. I’ll be back I swear, but right now…it’s a day by day thing. Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde have nothing on me…;) My moms health still isn’t good. She is struggling with pain and wellness daily. My biggest source of help and support, and I can’t do anything for her, its killing me. I have to admit,that my biggest struggle right now is that my heart is aching over my Uncle’s battle with cancer. I love him so much. Image I hurt for my whole family.. his children, his grandchildren, my aunt, his friends, his family, for him. It’s just so sad and frustrating. There are no words to describe, as many of you know. Too many people know about cancer…and too many of us know that there are no words to describe the emotions and the roller coaster ride of senses that it makes us face. 

On another note lets talk about no words…As I am trudging through the trenches.. dong my best to survive and make a better life for my son, I have COMPLETE strangers helping us. Monetary donations, ideas, supporting words, and pure LOVE coming from everywhere… I don’t know how to say thank you, I don’t always reply. Sometimes because I’m too busy, sometimes because I have no words.. just tears. Tears of joy and tears of gratitude. Tears of raw human emotion. You don’t know this, but when I’m down, and  I don’t mean down like, “damn it this was a bad day and i just want a beer or a vacation down”. I mean down like down,” I am not sure its worth it anymore”. So when this happens, I know what to do.  I read your responses, I read the emails, the texts, and the comments.. and I say how selfish for me to even think that. I smile and I remember I am not alone. No matter what ANYBODY’S struggles are… we are all here for a reason and we are NEVER alone. The tears that stream constant down my cheeks become tears of a plethora of emotions. Happiness, gratitude, a sense of renewed hope, courage, and stamina for my fight, for my sons fight. Who by the way REALLY has no words…but if he did he would say.. thank you for understanding my mom, thank you for your patience, thank you for your help. Thank you for holding her up when she can no longer stand alone. Her war is for me, so that i can thrive. 

I love you so much my friends, my besties, the strangers who help, my family. Please know that I see everything, and i’m trying to keep up. Thank you. 

I have no more words tonight.