Break time…

“We will not cover residential services that can help your child live a safe, nurturing, and humane life. However, we will hospitalize him to give you and him a much needed “break”. During this time we will induce more trauma, provide emotional distress to you both and after we reach the maximum time that insurance will cover for psychiatric inpatient services we will send him back home and wish you the best of luck”. Sincerely the State of Michigan.

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I literally just went to the bathroom and threw up.

I sit hear with tears streaming down my face.

I’m trying to be positive about this.

How positive could you be to see this with your child who doesn’t understand? 

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It’s hard to remain positive and optimistic. But I’m trying. I’m filled with anxiety over Preston going to the hospital.  Forgive me if i seem dramatic, but it feels like when I had to put my cat down. I couldn’t look at my cat knowing that he was going to be out of my life forever.. I know Preston isn’t dying, I know he’s going away temporarily. I know he isn’t dying. Although in all honesty sometimes I think that would be easier. I’ve dealt with death. A quick and sudden loss was easier than this slow torture. The constant ache. It takes its toll. I mean seriously am I admitting it would be easier if my child died? yep. I am. Parents of children with special needs sometimes feel this way. It’s how desperate we are. It’s how hard it is. I can’t look my son in the eyes without crying. Ill be going to the hospital alone. I can’t have my mom going and crying too. It will be hard enough for me to keep it together. Shit.. tomorrow is tax day. I haven’t done those yet. ugh…..”Ain’t nobody got time for that”

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m desperate, I’m mostly scared that I’m F’ing up my son psychologically and emotionally and that kills me emotionally. Image

I can’t listen to music. I can barely be around other people. My friends kids tear me apart. I yearn for my son to be normal so bad it kills me. It kills me that i will never experience “real” motherhood. I’ll never be a grandma. I’ll never hear “I love you mom”. I swear i feel like a crazy person. Where in the hell did my life go???!!!!! Excuse me while i go throw up again. Enjoy your Sunday. 

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4 comments on “Break time…

  1. Annette Latimer says:

    Love you stay strong we are all with you always !!!! Words are not enough prayers for you

    • lisasain says:

      Thanks Aunt Annette! I know that people don’t know what to say… I also know this blog was a pretty deep dark and depressing one. I wasn’t doing too well at the moment… But I took an Ativan and I’m not nearly as anxiety filled as I was when I write that. I’m better…:) trying to keep p happy and both of us calm. Thank you for the prayers & support always!! We love you!! I am praying for you too… Always…<3

  2. Lana Lewis says:

    Lisa I sent out some inquires today trying to find you some help. Here is an email reply I received from Hope Network. I am not sure if you have contacted them in the past but it might be worth a try. The following is a copy of the email:
    From: “askjenny” Add sender to Contacts
    To: “‘lanajlewis@yahoo.com'”
    Dear Lana: Thank you for contacting Hope Network. Unfortunately, we cannot reach out to the mother unless she contacts us directly. If she would like to contact us, our Center for Autism can be reached directly at 616-942-2522. Our main corporate number is 616-301-8000; all she would need to do is ask for the Center of Autism, and we would be able to transfer her.

    I hope this is of some help to you. Please contact me if you have any further questions.

    Sincerely,

    Ashlea
    Ask Jenny Team
    Hope Network

    From: askjenny@hopenetwork.org [mailto:askjenny@hopenetwork.org]
    Sent: Tuesday, April 23, 2013 1:47 PM
    To: askjenny
    Subject: Ask Jenny

    Do you have a question or comment?: I have been following a mothers blog about dealing with autism. Is there any help you can offer her. I do not personally know her but she needs help. Her blog is lisasain.worpress.com. Please help this young mother and her 12 year old autistic agressive rage filled son. Thank You, Lana Lewis

  3. Lana Lewis says:

    also check out this part of their website. http://hopenetwork.org/AAF.aspx

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