SSS —> aka sadness sedation & sorrow

I’m going to try to make this quick.
Preston is fighting to use my bathroom so he can trash it. I’m trying to be strong and not allow it. He has his own bathroom. When he wants to go in there I try to redirect him to something else, tonight it was a bike ride in this cold weather… But hey whatever works.
We finish the ride he then wants to go get French fries. I order a salad, we get home and he wants my salad. I say no it’s mine and all hell broke loose. He punched me hard in my chest. It literally took my breath away. He then starts in his rage throwing things and try’s to attack me. Okay he does attack me. He pulled my hair, head bunted me, punches, slaps, pinches, and threw a glass at me. It breaks on the floor and he comes after me and steps in it. He’s really angry now & in pain. I try to remove the two big pieces in his foot as he’s bleeding all over but he’s still aggressive & raging.
By this time my chest hurts and is getting really tight from the stress. My heart is racing & I’m shaking. My emotions are all mixed and they rapidly fluctuate from anger to sadness to being afraid to trying to keep it together. I’m crying now. I “hide around the corner”, & try to regroup by taking in three deep breaths. I decide to make him take 6 mg of melatonin. It is a sleep aid and it works quickly. It works.. He is calming down enough for me to pull the glass out of his foot. He lays on the bed and I discreetly try to pull it out when, BAM.. He kicks my shoulder. Once again so hard that it takes all I have to refrain from my gut reaction of wanting to beat him. Deep breath Lisa deep breath. I decide to give him his nightly medication. 1 ml of Haldol. It’s a drop of liquid and very strong. Within 6 minutes he’s asleep. I get the glass out & I lay on the couch because my chest is tight and it hurts. I need to breathe and get my blood pressure down.

Sedating my child so that I don’t beat him and so that he’ll quit attacking me. How in the hell are parents supposed to live like this? I’m so deeply and utterly sad. No matter how much I blog… Nobody will ever feel my pain.. Physical or emotional. I can only pray that somehow I manage to get out of this inSain Asylum, help my child & myself and then help other families.
If things don’t happen soon… Who knows what will happen behind these walls… I’m sorry if this post is troublesome … But it’s a reality.
Sedating my 12 year old is the only option these days… Can you even fathom that? Me either.

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4 comments on “SSS —> aka sadness sedation & sorrow

  1. autismmom2041 says:

    Omg Lisa! This is horrible. I can’t say what I would do under those conditions. But I think I would the same as you. Sounds like the meds are your best option for Preston and you. He can’t have glass in his foot you have to get it out! It is very scarey what you write about. I never knew what you went through day to day. Thanks for sharing your life with the blog. Everything you said last week about the facility you went to was a huge eye opener, thanks for writing about your experience. I hope you get some rest.

    • lisasain says:

      Thank you, I’m glad you’re reading please share!! 🙂 I’ve been denied services and looking for help on how I can get Medicaid to fund treatment!

  2. dorothy says:

    Lisa, my heart goes out to you. I will keep you and Preston and your mom in my prayers.

    • lisasain says:

      Dorothy,
      You are one of the kindest sweetest people that I know! Preston just loves your candy & I love your heart and kind soul! Thank you for always supporting us and my mom! The walk, donations, and the treats have always been appreciated! We thank you for the prayers!! 🙂

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