How do I verbalize what is going through my head? I suppose for starters Ill brifely taslk about the “big Meeting”. It went okay. I’m not sure what is going to happen but when “it” happens, I’ll let everyone know. In all honesty, it’s so extremely stressful that I think until things are more final and not so “wait and see what happens”, I’ll keep it to myself. What I can say is that I will NOT GIVE UP, Preston needs help and I swear…I will literally kill myself trying to get what he needs. I will bleed..I will lose sleep, I will devote whatever last breath and being of my life to help him. It’s the only choice I have right now.
On another note, I attended a conference this morning that was about behviors and keeping kids in school and how to help students receive the best education possible. ( just what i want to do while I get respite..on a Saturday afternoon***SIGH**) It was a great conference… for someone else. I don’t mean to sound like a “smarty pants”, but boy oh boy.. I know my stuff. I didn’t learn much and kept to myself and just listened to parents, educators, therapists, etc talk about all kinds of issues and situations. I am so past all of that. I KNOW what is best for my son. There was a well known speaker at the conference and I asked her if she was aware of the Autism center in Portage, she did. I asked if she had visited and she said no but she needs to. She started asking me questions about it and I told her what i knew; cost, funding, the strategies used. She was intrugued and aske dme to email her this week. 🙂 Yay yet another resource. However, I had a “naysayer” listening and she overheard the conversation and inquired about my question earlier in the conference that I asked out loud. The question was in regards to the free and approriate education.. blah blah blah, anyways she was “on to me”…she said, “EXACTLY what are you trying to do with your son”? I told her in a nutshell anyways. She laughed. She laughed.. WHat She literally laughed and with a smirk and no eye contact she snidely remarked, “good luck with that”. I walked to wear she was seated and I, infuriated and redfaced, asked for her name and e-mail. She obliged and wrote it down. She said, “May I ask why you want it”? I bent to her eye level ( which wasn’t much.. Im 5’2″ in the physical sense, but of course in my head..I’m about 6’4″) I politely said, “so when I succeed, you’ll know how to get a hold of me to congratulate me and apologize for doubting my capabilities”. All in all the conference went ok. lol
Strangers and the impact that they have on me. Throughout Preston’s life I have met some really great people. Teachers, therapists, doctors, mutual “autism friends” etc that have been a really positive experience. However, that isn’t always the circumstance. There are some people, friends and family included, in our lives who have really belittled me and think I “cater” to Preston’s autism. There have been moments that i have actually doubted myself and believed them.
For example: “giving in to P” in order to prevent a meltdown. Something simple.. hmm like allowing him to visit a mall to walk before therapy versus going to therapy and him melting down because he couldn’t go to the mall to walk first.
If I have done something for Preston in the past a certain way he remembers and he usually is very regimented (as autistics are) and wants to do it that way forever. I cannot take that away from him, it’s part of his disability. Why wouldn’t I do these simple things? Even if it means “interfering” with my life to some extent. If your child was a diabetic and needed insulin before the therapy would you say umm no first therapy then insulin. No, you would give them the insulin shot. It’s the same thing. My son has a disability. He doesn’t not mean to be selfish but its part of the disorder. He does not understand emotion or needs of others. Only himself. So think of it how you want, maybe I “cater” in someone’s eyes but I know in my heart I only do what is best for him. ALWAYS. Sure i screw up now and then, don’t we all? In every relationship we have? Don’t think my son is a brat. Don’t throw your judgments at me with parenting. I’m the one who has educated myself, not you.
Now lets talk about the positive people in our life. You, you that are reading this, yes YOU! Thank you. Thank you for your support. To a total stranger that read my blog and decided to raise funds for us. Thank you. To those that are contributing to the fundraiser, thank you.
I met with a couple of girlfriends Friday night for a few drinks. We briefly talked about the fundraising efforts of the “stranger” ( and the people/local salon involved), I say that loosely because we have already met and I already consider her a friend and hero. I cried. i didn’t just tear up.. I’m talking full blown cry.. tears streaming nonstop down my face, snot coming out of my nose cry. The waitress brought beer napkins and tear napkins.. 3 times. lol I cried because I feel so grateful. I feel like our time is here. It’s time to have a life again. Its time to get the help for my son. I realize that I need the help of others in order for my son to thrive. Its hard to accept it, but I’m going to. I just purged my emotions to my friends. My fears, my overwhelming feelings of gratitude, my feelings of empowerment, my hopes, my fantasies. I cried more. Then I receive a pink shot from the bartender She says you need this love you Lisa, she happens to be my cousins gf. how embarrassing but you know what? I DON’T CARE!!! I’m over embarrassment! My son needs insulin damn it!
Thank you for helping me inject my son with what he needs. Thank you Spa Rodzina and the gracious employees. Thank you to “Michigan Happenings” for yet another future fundraiser. Thank you to those who support us. I an only promise you one thing. I promise that I am going to do my best to help my son live a life that is filled with safety, love, caring, and provide a nurturing environment for him. I promise that once we have stability that i am going to “pay it forward” and help other families, its my life goal and passion. I can only do it if I get our lives stabilized and we receive the “insulin”. Things are falling into place and i cant wait for the sweet taste of victory and ill look forward tot he email from the “naysayer” at the conference today.
Until then, I’m going to finish my homework and get an outfit ready for St. Patty’s Day. Ill paint my nails green…..with envy.
Peace, love, health, wealth and happiness 🙂 God bless you all.