I “officially” get one day a week to myself without Preston because my mom keeps him for me. Now and then I have a few sitters that watch P once he is asleep.
This past weekend I chose to spend my one night with a guy that I have talked to on and off since October. We’ll call him J. Executing such an outing takes tremendous planning and effort. I barely get a chance to use the bathroom let alone plan for a date. I have to pack p up.. This includes: food, clothing, medications, bear, magazines, and whatever else he requires that day. I have to shower, plan an outfit, pluck, tweeze, shave, and emotionally get my “normal” side together and ready. While doing all of this I’m dealing with p showering and making a lake in my bathrooms, finding out what he wants on you tube, switching videos non stop, playing with him, & trying to keep him calm. The last thing I want is a meltdown before I go out. I can’t handle that. It’s a ton of work.
So I go on the date, he’s very attractive seems really nice. But he asks about p and knew he had autism but digs deeper. Many times I let men talk about themselves because …. Well what do I say? In all honesty.. I can’t divulge the truth right away. Ill cry. Ill break out in hives, start to shake.. It’s just not good. But he keeps asking and I try my best to put things bluntly without divulging too much. I say he’s aggressive J says why? How? I say he can’t talk and J shakes his head in disbelief, huh? What? That’s crazy!? How old is he?!? Yes I know crazy insane weird… Unbelievable. I can feel the lump in my throat. I feel my back tensing up. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry Lisa! Keep it together.. Redirect ask about his son, ask to see a picture. Phew it works … Kind of. He’s still curious. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I do recall saying, “yes this is why I’m still single”. We had a burger and shared two pitchers of beer. The plan was to go to his house which was a very short drive from the establishment. He lives over an hour away so I was staying with him.
We get to his place and he kisses me. Now keep in mind I haven’t been hugged touched kissed by anyone (other than medical staff, friends, & family) in months. I’m exhausted… We go to bed. I told him ahead of time no “funny stuff”. But of course I want him to sleep next to me. To kiss me more to hold me cuddle me. I desperately crave affection. More importantly I desire a partner, a best friend, a lover. I know this isn’t the guy. I know none of them are. But I keep dating, I keep trying. Things get heated but the “deed does not happen”. The next morning he is clearly frustrated & brings it up. He says something that No man has ever said on a first date. He says so you have one day a week possibly two what man is going to do that? I almost cried.. I felt my face turn red. He’s right. He says why wouldn’t I give in to sex if I wanted it? That’s just dumb because we are consenting adults. Obviously I can’t have a bf… I’ve tried on & off for 11 years. I’ve had a few relationships but pretty much every single guy has cheated. If they haven’t cheated they can’t handle Preston. Many times I think they cheat for an “out”. Either way I was mortified. It’s nothing I don’t already know but when J mentioned this, it hurt it hurt really bad. So as a woman who is 36 years old I have spent my prime adult years without a partner, best friend, or lover. My choices are:
1- give up
2- have a once a week fling with the same person if they agree
3- continue trying when for 11 years it’s been unsuccessful
I was 25 when Chad died, 25!!! Widowed at 25 and loveless for 11 years. Literally. Can anyone remotely imagine that? Don’t get me wrong. I have high morals and ethics but I’m no angel either. I’ve tried every scenario but a once a week “friend” is not my thing. I’m a woman, I’m human, I will get attached and yearn for more. Many times it’s also been the opposite, the men get attached & want more but I can’t.
I choked down my lukewarm coffee and couldn’t leave quick enough. I cried the whole way home. I took a quick nap before I had to get Preston back. I had a dream. It was awful. It was of an old bf, he said to me that I was great wonderful beautiful & funny but he couldn’t deal with Preston. I woke up pissed. Even when I’m resting I’m struggling. I can’t decipher these days the line between my nightmares my realities. Or vice versa. It’s just not fair.
Before we met j texted me something. He said are your nails nice. Shit I didn’t paint over my chipped polish. No my nails aren’t nice. But I did get a haircut. My hairdresser (who is also my step sister) tells me it’s been a year since I was there. I didn’t believe her but yes it was a years in march. I did it for my birthday. I don’t know if I was more shocked that I haven’t cut my hair in a year or the fact that I didn’t realize it.
No J, I don’t have nice nails…maybe one day….& maybe one day ill find love again. Because I’m tired of being third wheel and 5th wheel. I’m sick of my friends couches and basements. I’m sick of lonely days nights months years and holidays.
Maybe if I have nice nails… That’s it. Why didn’t I think of it sooner
By the way moments before I posted this blog, my son had a huge meltdown & I don’t know why. A pic for your viewing pleasure. At least we will have clean beds tonight. I spent the whole morning and afternoon washing two sets of bedding which includes sheets comforters, pee pads, plastic bedding and pillows. This is nothing new.. It’s a daily cycle. I better go, my bathroom is flooded.