Has anyone found my life? Give it back please!

I have about 50 minutes before my son goes home. I’m so scatterbrained and full of anxiety. Do I take an ativan? Sure it will help but then I’ll have zero energy. Do i utilize the 50 minutes cleaning and trying to plan for when he gets home? Do i set up a sensory spot with shaving cream? Or will he need food immediately? I should put away the folded clothes on the couch so he doesnt throw them on the floor. I already scarfed down a sandwich and hydrated. I used the bathroom, lord knows when I’ll be able to get another drink or use the bathroom or eat for that matter. I think Ill blog. Today… right now, since last night, two things have been heavy on my heart. I’m going to talk about my husband and my son. Have you seen them?

The last I knew I had a caring, kind, calm, loving husband who accepted me, my flaws, and my love. I found him. The man who completed my world. The man who finally made me feel “normal”. Life was never easy. Not that I can ever recall. He was my white picket fence. He was my partner. We worked well together. We werent perfect but we made it work. We were happy. Then I got pregnant. HUH? Its a boy? Could things get any better? His little red wing, his fishing buddy, his golf partner, hunting buddy, his partner with playstation. He was elated. I was excited but of course i wanted a girl.. oh well I’m sure it will work out. I was thrilled that we made a boy for him. πŸ™‚ Preston was born on June 26th. It was a hard delivery. I wasn’t thrilled…I wasnt really ready for a baby. It just “happened”. But the minute i saw him.. the minute I held him.. Chad was no longer the love of my life. Chad was thrilled…he thought i would despise our child. Completely to his surprise.. I fell in love. He was beautiful. Blue eyes, dimples..my lips..chads ears. Chads head, chads legs.. my ugly feet. However, I still knew, I still had the dreadful horrible pit in my stomach. When i was pregnant I dreamed of him in a wheelchair. I dreamed my child was handicapped. I dreamed that he was flailing about, I dreamed his hands were always moving and he was always crying. But no he’s okay.. ten fingers ten toes. Thats the rule right? He’s fine let go of those feelings Lisa, hes okay! Beautiful and healthy. For a while things went as planned. But I knew. I expressed this to Chad, once to my dad on the 4th of July when preston was a week old. My dad hugged me and reassured me it was okay. But i knew.

December 16th 2001, our baby is 18 months old. We just got home from the flint area, we looked at houses over the weekend and found one. We wanted to be closer to family and friends. Chad got his dream job, a promotion and was going to have his office in Port Huron, life was great. Christmas was a week away we bought many presents over the weekend for friends and family. I cant believe my life is so stinking good!!! We settle in and decide to cuddle on the couch and we watch the titanic. We didn’t watch too much of it. We had this weird and touching deeply heartfelt conversation about how much we loved one another. Then it oddly turned into what song would you play at my funeral if i died and vice versa. We talked about how we would want one another to go on and just make sure the baby was okay. Tears were shed. We stopped the “absurd” conversation. In our bed that night I think he fell fast asleep as we held one another, which is odd.. Im not a cuddler. When I go to bed its for one of two reasons.. to sleep or make a baby.. πŸ˜‰ I looked at him from the moonlight. I stared at his ears and nose that I loved so much. I smelled him, I got into sync with his breathing. Tomorrow is a new exciting chapter.. we are signing on this wonderful big house and i am opening a daycare in the home. Good night my love.. thank you.. thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me. I am so content. I cant wait for tomorrow.

December 17th, Monday morning, Chad left for work. He kissed me and wanted to kiss the baby. “Are you freaking crazy”!!! Hes asleep and I want him to stay that way so I can have a cup of coffee and shower to get ready to leave for flint this afternoon… Okay he says…Goodbye Hunny. He left. Maybe just maybe 30 more seconds the time it would have taken for him to kiss preston, he would have lived through the car accident. I hear a knock, its a lifetime movie. Its surreal.. My husband died? I laugh, youre crazy we have a baby and we are signing on a new house, Christmas is next week. He CANT die..weirdo. But he did. I know exactly what songs i am playing at the funeral. Ironically it was the only thing I was 100% happy and positive about. In every way.. emotionally decision making etc.

My family helps me through the move to davison…no house, no husband, no daycare. Exactly what in the hell am I supposed to do. I need to take care of our baby. That means no more denial and get him diagnosed, it took almost 4 months from the time Chad died to receive the inevitable words I so knew i would hear. I’m sorry Mrs. Sain, your son has Autism. Umm no he can’t have ANYTHING! My husband just died and I dont know my head from my ass these days. shit. shit. damn damn …NO! But he does. He has it.

Okay take care of the baby.. I hear Chad on the couch that night. I can do this. Where do I go from here. How do i start. My days and nights are turned into a huge world of autism research. My nights and days turned to months, then the interventions started so did the money… right out the flipping window. The months turn into years. Where is my son? The happy blue eyed boy? Where is my support? My other half? My other decision maker?

Fast forward.. its 2013. Im a wreck. I have little support. Im tired. where is my son? Where is my husband? Excuse me God but where is my life and PLEASE I beg you.. can I get it back? You see im about to have to make some serious decisions about my child, the love of my life very soon, and you took my husband. So i need answers. I need support and i need help. While you search for that and present it to me on a silver platter is there any way that you can tell Chad.. can you tell him i love him. Can you tell him I’m sorry i took him for granted. Can you say i would give anything to hug him. Can you tell him that I am doing my best to keep our promise. Can you tell him? Can you? Can you tell him sometimes the reason i sleep in the chair or couch is because the bed is too big.. too empty and sometimes i cant bear it. Its overwhelming how much i still miss him. Especially when I need him so badly. Please God, Please tell him.. thanks.

P.S. I want my son back too. Thanks,

Lisa

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11 comments on “Has anyone found my life? Give it back please!

  1. Annette Latimer says:

    Chads knows all that he is your guardian angel!!! Hang in there

    • lisasain says:

      I hope so Aunt Annette… I get signs here and there but yesterday & today have been filled with grief over him. Most likely because p has somewhat subsided in behaviors and I’m reflecting on the past couple of months and I have some “breathing time”, which only makes me think of how much I need him and want him and miss him. Of course if he were here we would just fight over all of it & stress.. Probably get divorced, he’d remarry .. But then he would have a week at dads and stepmoms, a week with mom and life would be great! Lol see how my mind gets the best of me!?!?? Lol I love you. Thanks for your comment …HUGS!

  2. Julie Kirby says:

    Lisa – I don’t know you, but got here from a friend’s link on FB. You are incredibly strong for doing this on your own for so long. I was reading your posts and crying thinking of how hard it must be. I can’t even imagine. So glad you are able to reach out for help. I just wanted you to know I’m praying for you and that I really hope CMH can help you. I am dealing with them with my dad and they have been really helpful.

    • lisasain says:

      Hi Julie.. Thank you so much for your prayers, and whatever is going on with your father, I pray that it works out. I know it can be tough. My grandma had Alzheimers and it was so hard getting care for her and caring for her in the last years of her life. Best of luck and thank you for your comment and for reading. πŸ™‚ Lisa

  3. Christina Tyler says:

    Lisa, thank you for writing this. Not just this entry but all the things you write. I don’t know if it is cathartic for you, but it helps me not feel so isolated. ❀

    • lisasain says:

      Thank you Christina and I hope that its not discouraging knowing my struggles years down the road, as you have many ahead of you, please remember and take great comfort in knowing that preston is much more severe than your sweet devil angel boy Kaleb. πŸ˜‰ Life will have plenty of challenges but not like ours. So dotn get discouraged okay? Thx Love you!

  4. Aunt Tammy says:

    Lisa Marie I sit hear sobbing and wishing there was a way to take your pain away. I know that you know this but I love you more than words could ever convey. You are and always will have a special part of my heart that no one will have. That special place in my heart that only the first child I really fell in love with could only hold. YOU are a GREAT MOM! Do not let anyone steal that from you.

    • lisasain says:

      Thank you Aunt Tammy and jut keep being the great Aunt that you have been for years. I appreciate your love advice honesty and sincerity..Love you too.. Bug.. ❀

  5. Dana Ernst says:

    You are so brave! I came across this blog and thought you might find something helpful or at least a sense of camaraderie.
    http://www.stuartduncan.name/autism

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