Relief with grief

First and foremost I want to thank you all for reading and supporting. I need to clarify something though.. Nobody has ever judged me by saying I will eventually or possibly sooner versus later put Preston in a residential facility. What I have been judged on and criticized for, is my parenting… Or lack thereof. It makes me doubt myself. However I’m trying to resolve this situation and I’m trying to believe my supporters versus the non supporters. It’s hard sometimes. That’s enough about that.
So today I had a 4 hour appointment at CMH… Holy schmoly… Much was accomplished and some VERY exciting news. My son got new medication. It’s 8:03 and he’s asleep!!! Better yet he was much less aggressive today when he got home from school. We aren’t completely out of the woods and this is temporary. One of the meds prescribed is a medication he was just taken off of. He eats non stop compulsively when he takes it. It’s called Risperdal. He can only be on it for so long before he becomes borderline diabetic, it is no longer effective, and they will take him off of it again. So the “success” is bittersweet. But ill take the break. I can’t wait for him to smile again, to hug me, to kiss me. It’s all I have from him. To not get that and have him hitting & abusing me is a horrible feeling that cannot be described in any blog.
I also have doubted my blog, it feels narcissistic in a way. I hope my reasons for doing it show through and I hope that most people understand. I know not everyone will & I’m completely okay with that. I know it’s hard to read or view. It’s like those damn commercials about abused animals with Sarah McLaughlin singing that God awful song in the background guilting us and bringing instant tears! It’s like you don’t want to see that crap! It’s sad! It hurts! It’s easier to turn the channel, but we know the awful truth; the abuse exists….. And people I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but so does autism. One day your child will work next to a person with autism, your grand kids will care for a whole generation of kids diagnosed in the 90’s with autism. One day a person with autism is going to change the world… Oh wait, thanks Einstein.. Mozart, Picasso, newton, Darall Hannah, robin Williams, Dan Akroyd,etc.
So please don’t turn your head, don’t sweep us under the rug, don’t turn your nose, and don’t blame the parents! We couldn’t prevent this! We didn’t cause this! Just accept us, accept them! “They” are humans, with feelings.
On a final note tonight, I would like to express two things: 1- to my friends and family worried about us/ me. I’m okay, this didn’t happen overnight. Preston has ALWAYS been this challenging but I’m really good at disguising it. I’m really good at managing him…… Most of the time. The difference between now and then is that he’s bigger. His punches cause massive bruises. His pinches bring tears to my eyes, his kicks take my breath away. The objects he chooses to throw are no longer sippy cups and Legos but chairs and tables.
Scary? My gosh yes! Emotionally damaging? Ummm yeah I cry A LOT! Physically a threat? Yep. But I’m working on it and I’m no sissy. I’m Preston’s mom and I’m a warrior. We’re going to get through this come hell or high water. I have God on my side.
The 2nd thing I need to mention is my friends, family and all supports. I cannot thank you enough. I have had friends, acquaintances, & strangers offering words of support and most importantly asking what they can do for help. When you offer support it heals a part of me. It gives me strength. In all honesty there is not a whole heck of a lot you can do for us. Please understand that as much as I appreciate the offers of help whether it’s cleaning, watching p, or getting me drunk (jk), there just isn’t a ton one can do but I deeply appreciate it. I love you all and know that just the supportive words help.
Share my blog. It may help someone you know or don’t know. Tonight I read a blog that was shared by a friend on Facebook. As sad I was to read it, I was elated. Her post talked about the money time and emotion she put into treatments therapies Etc. for her daughter. I have done everything she has & we are in the same position. To know this today gave me a super boost a recharge, a jump start! It’s like I had several orgasms with Johnny depp (don’t ask how I know what that’s like)! It elated me… Just to know that I’m not alone. I’m not a bad mom. So share… Read… You never know how or when it could help someone.
Love, hugs, peace, health, wealth, & happiness.
Tonight ill sleep a little better than I have in a long time. Thanks friends!
Sincerely,
Preston’s mom, a boy with severe autism who is trying his best to be happy and well behaved

For your viewing pleasure I am posting a video of a tantrum in the car…remember Sarah McLaughlin!!! 😉 oops guess I’m not! It’s $60 for a year to be able to post ..hold that thought maybe next month lol
However here are a few pics taken over the last week…. We’ll call them ” a glimpse inside the inSain asylum 😉 enjoy…

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7 comments on “Relief with grief

  1. Annette Latimer says:

    We are so glad to see the strong woman you have grown into!! Stay strong god has a plan for you it will all work out. Love uncle Tim and aunt Annette.

    • lisasain says:

      Thanks Aunt Annette.. so are you and I love you.. thank you for your love patience and kindness always… You are a big part of my life in the past present and future. 🙂

  2. Lucas says:

    Do not worry about what anyone thinks of this blog….you are in this position for a reason…if the “Lord” is what you say then believe he has made it your mission to deliver …..deliver INSIGHT, deliver TRUTH, deliver a message to those who are too stupid or too stubborn to believe the stories you share…this is your life and don’t you dare let naysayers make you doubt your parenting ability nor your strength to fight for your son and for what is best for him….AND YOU…no one deserves to be abused..even if the one doing it cannot comprehend what it does to you. Remember..when he is on those meds that you so debate on giving him….he thanks you everyday for making his life better…you are his hero…his sunshine girl….he is your baby and Mama Lioness will defend till death….you are a saviour in your own right..had he been anyone else’s child he may not have gotten even part of what you give him everyday. Keep your chin up sunshine girl reward will come for you I just know it..We love you…

    • lisasain says:

      You made me cry and your points hit the nail on the head. Thank you for being my friend. I’m lucky to have you in my life, even though you drive me crazy at times…;) but that’s what friends are for right!!! I love you Lucas…

  3. Laura says:

    Lisa!! I’m so glad you are getting some relief – I’ve been discussing your situation with my kids and my son doesn’t understand why I read your posts (yep, like the pet abuse commercials) and I had to explain to him that I was in a group with you when Preston was much younger, that Cameron was starting to do these same things at age 10 and it scared the pee out of me because I knew if I didn’t get some help that it would only get worse as he got bigger. I had to explain to him that my interest in reading is to help ME understand the differences in the spectrum and to learn about what organizations are out there to help you and others. I got a degree in Human Services because of my son – to know what options are out there!

    Additionally, writing out your daily tribulations is therapeutic! Keep doing it irregardless of other people!! Love to you, Preston, and your wonderful family and friends!

  4. jaycee says:

    My 13-year-old is not autistic, but his father abandoned us when he was about 4, and five years later he got a step dad who died suddenly of a heart attack after another five years. My son developed a computer addiction so bad my electric bill and the internet bill were more than the rent. Instead of sleeping, he got on his devices, and even locked himself in hus room, becoming truant several times begire I took all the devices away. This tactic produced such horrendous actions: cursing, throwing furniture at me, setting a oaper bag on dire, claiming it was my business records (landlord wouldn’t take us back). My son had two week-long hospital stays, which I almost felt were respite. Still haven’t managed to grieve, son is very reticent, but we are plodding ahead, in a new school district, hoping to make this a fresh start of a new and better life. Your story inspires me. Hugs, love and support to you!

    • jaycee says:

      I just re-read my post…my 50-year-old eyes can’t see too well…so many typos…sorry! I know precious little about autism, but I’ve been told my son’s father’s abandonment of us and the death of my son’s step-father brought on kind of “situational impulsivity.” I neglected to mention that we were served a Notice to Quit over the Christmas holiday following step-dad’s death. That was the real clincher. We returned to a house with no water or propane, in 6 degrees of severe winter weather. We were itinerant for a while, and I didn’t help any by voicing my feeling of being a refugee on what was supposed to be a resort island. We felt intense frustration. Frustration leading to bursts of intense anger, introversion and isolation…leading up to my son lighting a bag on fire … Seems to be similarity to symptoms of autism that you are experiencing. My son lashed out at me when I was powerless in the face of our situation. Sounds like your son is lashing out at you in a similar way. I am shocked and angry at the responses you’ve had from some people, particularly some of those medical people. There is help out there. Keep at it and don’t ever give up. I’m praying for you.

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