Lets talk about sex & relationships

I “officially” get one day a week to myself without Preston because my mom keeps him for me. Now and then I have a few sitters that watch P once he is asleep.
This past weekend I chose to spend my one night with a guy that I have talked to on and off since October. We’ll call him J. Executing such an outing takes tremendous planning and effort. I barely get a chance to use the bathroom let alone plan for a date. I have to pack p up.. This includes: food, clothing, medications, bear, magazines, and whatever else he requires that day. I have to shower, plan an outfit, pluck, tweeze, shave, and emotionally get my “normal” side together and ready. While doing all of this I’m dealing with p showering and making a lake in my bathrooms, finding out what he wants on you tube, switching videos non stop, playing with him, & trying to keep him calm. The last thing I want is a meltdown before I go out. I can’t handle that. It’s a ton of work.
So I go on the date, he’s very attractive seems really nice. But he asks about p and knew he had autism but digs deeper. Many times I let men talk about themselves because …. Well what do I say? In all honesty.. I can’t divulge the truth right away. Ill cry. Ill break out in hives, start to shake.. It’s just not good. But he keeps asking and I try my best to put things bluntly without divulging too much. I say he’s aggressive J says why? How? I say he can’t talk and J shakes his head in disbelief, huh? What? That’s crazy!? How old is he?!? Yes I know crazy insane weird… Unbelievable. I can feel the lump in my throat. I feel my back tensing up. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry Lisa! Keep it together.. Redirect ask about his son, ask to see a picture. Phew it works … Kind of. He’s still curious. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I do recall saying, “yes this is why I’m still single”. We had a burger and shared two pitchers of beer. The plan was to go to his house which was a very short drive from the establishment. He lives over an hour away so I was staying with him.
We get to his place and he kisses me. Now keep in mind I haven’t been hugged touched kissed by anyone (other than medical staff, friends, & family) in months. I’m exhausted… We go to bed. I told him ahead of time no “funny stuff”. But of course I want him to sleep next to me. To kiss me more to hold me cuddle me. I desperately crave affection. More importantly I desire a partner, a best friend, a lover. I know this isn’t the guy. I know none of them are. But I keep dating, I keep trying. Things get heated but the “deed does not happen”. The next morning he is clearly frustrated & brings it up. He says something that No man has ever said on a first date. He says so you have one day a week possibly two what man is going to do that? I almost cried.. I felt my face turn red. He’s right. He says why wouldn’t I give in to sex if I wanted it? That’s just dumb because we are consenting adults. Obviously I can’t have a bf… I’ve tried on & off for 11 years. I’ve had a few relationships but pretty much every single guy has cheated. If they haven’t cheated they can’t handle Preston. Many times I think they cheat for an “out”. Either way I was mortified. It’s nothing I don’t already know but when J mentioned this, it hurt it hurt really bad. So as a woman who is 36 years old I have spent my prime adult years without a partner, best friend, or lover. My choices are:
1- give up
2- have a once a week fling with the same person if they agree
3- continue trying when for 11 years it’s been unsuccessful
I was 25 when Chad died, 25!!! Widowed at 25 and loveless for 11 years. Literally. Can anyone remotely imagine that? Don’t get me wrong. I have high morals and ethics but I’m no angel either. I’ve tried every scenario but a once a week “friend” is not my thing. I’m a woman, I’m human, I will get attached and yearn for more. Many times it’s also been the opposite, the men get attached & want more but I can’t.
I choked down my lukewarm coffee and couldn’t leave quick enough. I cried the whole way home. I took a quick nap before I had to get Preston back. I had a dream. It was awful. It was of an old bf, he said to me that I was great wonderful beautiful & funny but he couldn’t deal with Preston. I woke up pissed. Even when I’m resting I’m struggling. I can’t decipher these days the line between my nightmares my realities. Or vice versa. It’s just not fair.
Before we met j texted me something. He said are your nails nice. Shit I didn’t paint over my chipped polish. No my nails aren’t nice. But I did get a haircut. My hairdresser (who is also my step sister) tells me it’s been a year since I was there. I didn’t believe her but yes it was a years in march. I did it for my birthday. I don’t know if I was more shocked that I haven’t cut my hair in a year or the fact that I didn’t realize it.
No J, I don’t have nice nails…maybe one day….& maybe one day ill find love again. Because I’m tired of being third wheel and 5th wheel. I’m sick of my friends couches and basements. I’m sick of lonely days nights months years and holidays.
Maybe if I have nice nails… That’s it. Why didn’t I think of it sooner :/

By the way moments before I posted this blog, my son had a huge meltdown & I don’t know why. A pic for your viewing pleasure. At least we will have clean beds tonight. I spent the whole morning and afternoon washing two sets of bedding which includes sheets comforters, pee pads, plastic bedding and pillows. This is nothing new.. It’s a daily cycle. I better go, my bathroom is flooded.

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Has anyone found my life? Give it back please!

I have about 50 minutes before my son goes home. I’m so scatterbrained and full of anxiety. Do I take an ativan? Sure it will help but then I’ll have zero energy. Do i utilize the 50 minutes cleaning and trying to plan for when he gets home? Do i set up a sensory spot with shaving cream? Or will he need food immediately? I should put away the folded clothes on the couch so he doesnt throw them on the floor. I already scarfed down a sandwich and hydrated. I used the bathroom, lord knows when I’ll be able to get another drink or use the bathroom or eat for that matter. I think Ill blog. Today… right now, since last night, two things have been heavy on my heart. I’m going to talk about my husband and my son. Have you seen them?

The last I knew I had a caring, kind, calm, loving husband who accepted me, my flaws, and my love. I found him. The man who completed my world. The man who finally made me feel “normal”. Life was never easy. Not that I can ever recall. He was my white picket fence. He was my partner. We worked well together. We werent perfect but we made it work. We were happy. Then I got pregnant. HUH? Its a boy? Could things get any better? His little red wing, his fishing buddy, his golf partner, hunting buddy, his partner with playstation. He was elated. I was excited but of course i wanted a girl.. oh well I’m sure it will work out. I was thrilled that we made a boy for him. πŸ™‚ Preston was born on June 26th. It was a hard delivery. I wasn’t thrilled…I wasnt really ready for a baby. It just “happened”. But the minute i saw him.. the minute I held him.. Chad was no longer the love of my life. Chad was thrilled…he thought i would despise our child. Completely to his surprise.. I fell in love. He was beautiful. Blue eyes, dimples..my lips..chads ears. Chads head, chads legs.. my ugly feet. However, I still knew, I still had the dreadful horrible pit in my stomach. When i was pregnant I dreamed of him in a wheelchair. I dreamed my child was handicapped. I dreamed that he was flailing about, I dreamed his hands were always moving and he was always crying. But no he’s okay.. ten fingers ten toes. Thats the rule right? He’s fine let go of those feelings Lisa, hes okay! Beautiful and healthy. For a while things went as planned. But I knew. I expressed this to Chad, once to my dad on the 4th of July when preston was a week old. My dad hugged me and reassured me it was okay. But i knew.

December 16th 2001, our baby is 18 months old. We just got home from the flint area, we looked at houses over the weekend and found one. We wanted to be closer to family and friends. Chad got his dream job, a promotion and was going to have his office in Port Huron, life was great. Christmas was a week away we bought many presents over the weekend for friends and family. I cant believe my life is so stinking good!!! We settle in and decide to cuddle on the couch and we watch the titanic. We didn’t watch too much of it. We had this weird and touching deeply heartfelt conversation about how much we loved one another. Then it oddly turned into what song would you play at my funeral if i died and vice versa. We talked about how we would want one another to go on and just make sure the baby was okay. Tears were shed. We stopped the “absurd” conversation. In our bed that night I think he fell fast asleep as we held one another, which is odd.. Im not a cuddler. When I go to bed its for one of two reasons.. to sleep or make a baby.. πŸ˜‰ I looked at him from the moonlight. I stared at his ears and nose that I loved so much. I smelled him, I got into sync with his breathing. Tomorrow is a new exciting chapter.. we are signing on this wonderful big house and i am opening a daycare in the home. Good night my love.. thank you.. thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me. I am so content. I cant wait for tomorrow.

December 17th, Monday morning, Chad left for work. He kissed me and wanted to kiss the baby. “Are you freaking crazy”!!! Hes asleep and I want him to stay that way so I can have a cup of coffee and shower to get ready to leave for flint this afternoon… Okay he says…Goodbye Hunny. He left. Maybe just maybe 30 more seconds the time it would have taken for him to kiss preston, he would have lived through the car accident. I hear a knock, its a lifetime movie. Its surreal.. My husband died? I laugh, youre crazy we have a baby and we are signing on a new house, Christmas is next week. He CANT die..weirdo. But he did. I know exactly what songs i am playing at the funeral. Ironically it was the only thing I was 100% happy and positive about. In every way.. emotionally decision making etc.

My family helps me through the move to davison…no house, no husband, no daycare. Exactly what in the hell am I supposed to do. I need to take care of our baby. That means no more denial and get him diagnosed, it took almost 4 months from the time Chad died to receive the inevitable words I so knew i would hear. I’m sorry Mrs. Sain, your son has Autism. Umm no he can’t have ANYTHING! My husband just died and I dont know my head from my ass these days. shit. shit. damn damn …NO! But he does. He has it.

Okay take care of the baby.. I hear Chad on the couch that night. I can do this. Where do I go from here. How do i start. My days and nights are turned into a huge world of autism research. My nights and days turned to months, then the interventions started so did the money… right out the flipping window. The months turn into years. Where is my son? The happy blue eyed boy? Where is my support? My other half? My other decision maker?

Fast forward.. its 2013. Im a wreck. I have little support. Im tired. where is my son? Where is my husband? Excuse me God but where is my life and PLEASE I beg you.. can I get it back? You see im about to have to make some serious decisions about my child, the love of my life very soon, and you took my husband. So i need answers. I need support and i need help. While you search for that and present it to me on a silver platter is there any way that you can tell Chad.. can you tell him i love him. Can you tell him I’m sorry i took him for granted. Can you say i would give anything to hug him. Can you tell him that I am doing my best to keep our promise. Can you tell him? Can you? Can you tell him sometimes the reason i sleep in the chair or couch is because the bed is too big.. too empty and sometimes i cant bear it. Its overwhelming how much i still miss him. Especially when I need him so badly. Please God, Please tell him.. thanks.

P.S. I want my son back too. Thanks,

Lisa

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Relief with grief

First and foremost I want to thank you all for reading and supporting. I need to clarify something though.. Nobody has ever judged me by saying I will eventually or possibly sooner versus later put Preston in a residential facility. What I have been judged on and criticized for, is my parenting… Or lack thereof. It makes me doubt myself. However I’m trying to resolve this situation and I’m trying to believe my supporters versus the non supporters. It’s hard sometimes. That’s enough about that.
So today I had a 4 hour appointment at CMH… Holy schmoly… Much was accomplished and some VERY exciting news. My son got new medication. It’s 8:03 and he’s asleep!!! Better yet he was much less aggressive today when he got home from school. We aren’t completely out of the woods and this is temporary. One of the meds prescribed is a medication he was just taken off of. He eats non stop compulsively when he takes it. It’s called Risperdal. He can only be on it for so long before he becomes borderline diabetic, it is no longer effective, and they will take him off of it again. So the “success” is bittersweet. But ill take the break. I can’t wait for him to smile again, to hug me, to kiss me. It’s all I have from him. To not get that and have him hitting & abusing me is a horrible feeling that cannot be described in any blog.
I also have doubted my blog, it feels narcissistic in a way. I hope my reasons for doing it show through and I hope that most people understand. I know not everyone will & I’m completely okay with that. I know it’s hard to read or view. It’s like those damn commercials about abused animals with Sarah McLaughlin singing that God awful song in the background guilting us and bringing instant tears! It’s like you don’t want to see that crap! It’s sad! It hurts! It’s easier to turn the channel, but we know the awful truth; the abuse exists….. And people I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but so does autism. One day your child will work next to a person with autism, your grand kids will care for a whole generation of kids diagnosed in the 90’s with autism. One day a person with autism is going to change the world… Oh wait, thanks Einstein.. Mozart, Picasso, newton, Darall Hannah, robin Williams, Dan Akroyd,etc.
So please don’t turn your head, don’t sweep us under the rug, don’t turn your nose, and don’t blame the parents! We couldn’t prevent this! We didn’t cause this! Just accept us, accept them! “They” are humans, with feelings.
On a final note tonight, I would like to express two things: 1- to my friends and family worried about us/ me. I’m okay, this didn’t happen overnight. Preston has ALWAYS been this challenging but I’m really good at disguising it. I’m really good at managing him…… Most of the time. The difference between now and then is that he’s bigger. His punches cause massive bruises. His pinches bring tears to my eyes, his kicks take my breath away. The objects he chooses to throw are no longer sippy cups and Legos but chairs and tables.
Scary? My gosh yes! Emotionally damaging? Ummm yeah I cry A LOT! Physically a threat? Yep. But I’m working on it and I’m no sissy. I’m Preston’s mom and I’m a warrior. We’re going to get through this come hell or high water. I have God on my side.
The 2nd thing I need to mention is my friends, family and all supports. I cannot thank you enough. I have had friends, acquaintances, & strangers offering words of support and most importantly asking what they can do for help. When you offer support it heals a part of me. It gives me strength. In all honesty there is not a whole heck of a lot you can do for us. Please understand that as much as I appreciate the offers of help whether it’s cleaning, watching p, or getting me drunk (jk), there just isn’t a ton one can do but I deeply appreciate it. I love you all and know that just the supportive words help.
Share my blog. It may help someone you know or don’t know. Tonight I read a blog that was shared by a friend on Facebook. As sad I was to read it, I was elated. Her post talked about the money time and emotion she put into treatments therapies Etc. for her daughter. I have done everything she has & we are in the same position. To know this today gave me a super boost a recharge, a jump start! It’s like I had several orgasms with Johnny depp (don’t ask how I know what that’s like)! It elated me… Just to know that I’m not alone. I’m not a bad mom. So share… Read… You never know how or when it could help someone.
Love, hugs, peace, health, wealth, & happiness.
Tonight ill sleep a little better than I have in a long time. Thanks friends!
Sincerely,
Preston’s mom, a boy with severe autism who is trying his best to be happy and well behaved

For your viewing pleasure I am posting a video of a tantrum in the car…remember Sarah McLaughlin!!! πŸ˜‰ oops guess I’m not! It’s $60 for a year to be able to post ..hold that thought maybe next month lol
However here are a few pics taken over the last week…. We’ll call them ” a glimpse inside the inSain asylum πŸ˜‰ enjoy…

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Another day in paradise

Wow what a night. He was agitated and out of control. I was scared. Not just scared but shaking. He came home from school completely agitated and immediately from the moment he walked in the door a complete autism and cognitively impaired mess. He wasn’t there. This isn’t my child. ( great Sheryl crow is on the TV singing my favorite mistake.. My own song to Preston lol I may start crying) carry on… Okay where was I? Oh yes the wild eyed monster who wasn’t emotionally or neurologically connected was kicking, biting, head butting, pinching, scratching, slapping, and punching me. He threw the following items: the coffee table, two kitchen chairs, a huge sensory chair, the computer (which was just installed yesterday) he threw a picture on the wall it was the last one standing. He threw a coffee mug and it broke all over. He even tried knocking the refrigerator over.
I wanted to hit him. I did. It’s a horrible feeling but it’s also a gut reaction and survival extinct. It’s also wrong. I’m crying I’m shaking and my chest is tight. I’m scared and I’m angry and I miss my husband. Where is my partner? This completely f”ing” sucks. Okay it’s out of hand I’m calling my Cmh worker. She insists we go to hospital.
We did. 6 men to restrain him. 3 doses of very strong medications … The staff was stressed. At one point I screamed to get their attention. They were doing everything wrong the doctor told them to listen to me. Things calmed down once they did. It was awful to see my baby restrained. He looked scared and confused and said please a few times. He even said “ow”.. Of course they hurt him even though it was unintentional.
He’s finally sedated. We are being sent home. Same old story, you’re parent of the year, you’re a great mom, how do you do this? What are you going to do? Is he always like this? He’s so strong! Why does he act like that? You need to figure this out! Have you thought of a group home?
Oh my F***ing goodness!
Yes I have and more. I’ve done it all… Hi everyone this is my human son Preston he can hear you! He is a child! He has AUTISM! Not every child with autism can sing play an instrument paint draw or be gifted in math. Please please think before you open your mouth. Please. Don’t you think we deal enough?
We are home, so far he’s okay and happy. The heavy meds helped him sleep and relax for almost an hour. He loved the ambulance ride. Lol I’m praying he sleeps tonight and does okay I’m school tomorrow. I’m praying the appointment with the psychiatrist goes well & that she can find a drug that works to help stabilize my son. That’s the first appointment, I have another one that is going to be COMPLETELY stressful and emotional. Please God, give me strength. Damn it I need my husband. This sucks. To top it all off.. It’s that time of month… Lord help everyone who comes into my path. I’m a ball of fury.

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